Blog entry for:

have to use again -- just for today.
such a simple concept, and for me anyhow, one of the hardest to implement in my daily life. well that is a bit of hyperbole, to show everyone how freaking humble i can be. honestly, not using, just for today, is quite easy for me these days. it has been quite some time since i had the desire to use, controlling my every waking moment and my idle thoughts and fantasies of being able to use, successfully, come and go, as i remember the example of my peers. for me, when i get to a reading such as this, i want to make myself appear to be one of the still suffering, when the reality of the situation is far from that. i am more whole, more genuine and more self-assured than i have ever been. the symptoms of rampant addiction have diminished to the point of being practically non-existent and i walk through my life in FREEDOM.
now that i have set the current record straight, sort of, it is not as if i walk through life 5.08 centimeters above the surface of the ground. i have no halo and i doubt Pope Francis will be calling me anytime soon, for a bit of spiritual guidance. although there are days, when some of that may be true, most of the time, what i get by surrendering to the fact that i am an addict and will always be an addict, is the ability to live a life that looks like the other 85%. i get to go to work, pay my bills, watch mindless TV, play pointless video games, smoke good cigars and upscale coffee. that simple paradoxical part of STEP ONE is the foundation of my FREEDOM and as long as i renumber that fact of my life, i will be well.
it has not always been this way. when i first knocked on the doors of recovery, i did all that i could do, to do things my way, DAMMIT! those who were in the rooms, admitted addicts all, welcomed me and told me to keep coming back, but, alas, i was far from ready to even consider that addiction had whupped me good about my head and shoulders. i see others in the same boat, coming to the rooms, because so and so thinks it IS a good idea and doing the abstinence gig, to get something back or to prevent something from being taken away. for me, it was my physical freedom and the so and so was the judge and the probation department. that is a way over-told story and in the end, here i sit, waxing not so poetically about what it is like to live clean, just for today.
do i surrender absolutely and unconditionally to my addiction every single day, just for today? to the best of my fVcking ability!
do i surrender unconditionally and absolutely to a program of recovery? on most days.
the simple fact is, i am an addict. part of being an addict, for this addict, is controlling as much as i can around me, be that people, outcomes, or events. most of my frustration comes from not accepting where my power truly lays and lacking the insight to let go of that which i have no power over, anyhow. the story i tell myself almost always starts with,. “if only” and runs amok from there. i apply power, therefore i exist, to misquote Descartes. that is who i am not becoming anymore, and the whole point of sitting on the cusp of STEP ONE, is now becoming clearer to me, i NEEDED to get to a point, where i was willing enough to look at the spectrum of powerlessness in my life, and i have very nearly arrived.
as i sneak out to my home group -- i have power -- with my laptop in tow -- i have power -- so IF i get called -- NO POWER -- i can take care of what i am expected to take care of, just for today.

∞ DT ∞