Blog entry for:

or as i prefer to phrase it cease fighting, as surrender is still one of those terms that sticks in craw. this morning i have to admit i surrendered to the pain last night and took a narcotic pain-killer for the third time since my mouth got worked over quite supremely on Monday afternoon. surrendering to the pain and taking something for it, made me feel weak and feeble, like some sort of wimpy loser, after all this is a NO MATTER WHAT sort of program. the truth is, this procedure has kicked my butt and when i finally give up trying to be some sort of superman about, take off my cape as it were, i can return from the heights and be okay with who i am. in case one wonders what it is i am talking about here is a link that show the procedure in fairly graphic detail. oh sure i can rationalize, justify and obfuscate, but the simple truth is, if i was not prescribed pain-killers i would have suffered through the pain. sort of like the chicken and egg argument, would i have noticed the pain so much if there was not relief just a swallow away? what is done is done, and today i have to admit it,. will i be changing my clean date? the answer is NO, BUT if i decide to dip into that bottle a week from now, well that is an entirely different matter.
i know i have written about surrender being one of those words, that i choose not to say. in my head, there are all sorts of connotations of being weak and feeble associated with the word surrender. i used mass quantities because i could and deride anyone who not keep up. i deluded myself into thinking that having the ability to take big doses was some sort of status symbol, just as being the last man standing at a party. it was such a sad state of affairs and a twisted way to look at the world, it is hardly surprising that seeing using every day as a problem was a difficult concept for me to grasp. today, looking back from this vantage point, i know it was the part of me i call addiction, holding on to the dreams of what never was and feeding my FEAR of what could never be, namely that i would learn to be happy without getting high. the longer i avoided coming to the conclusion that i had a desire to stay clean, the greater my chance of not staying clean, and that was the outcome i really thought i desired. after all, i am just another junkie, who would expect such a creature to have the desire not to use, on any given day.
ah yes, from this side of the world, things do look different, i am happy, have a life i could dream of, and have the desire to stay clean today. the fact that i am taking minimal dose of prescribed medication, as directed, create a situation within that brings up guilt and shame. a far cry form back in the day, where i would lie about how much i used, or deny even using the medication at all, just to make myself out to be someone i am not. this morning i know i am an addict. this morning i know that i can start the slide back into active addiction at any time. this morning i know that i would not be the first addict to succumb to the siren call of oral surgery to justify his use. this morning, however, i surrender to the program of recovery, i am living a FIRST STEP and i am getting ready to go to the office for the first time since Monday. it is a good day to be clean and i need to get to a meeting and own up to what i feel. this exercise may be nice, but it hardly suffices for the company of my peers in recovery.

∞ DT ∞