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this has always been the hardest part if the program for me to accept. i understand unmanageability, after all when i got here there were so many people running my life and i was in such a deep pile of shit that i could see without a doubt that something needed to change. if only those no account busy-bodies would leave me alone i would be fine, after all i had the situation under control! as long as i kept looking at specific substances and behaviors and the fact that i could stop using for brief periods of time, i had all the evidence i needed to go on my merry way, still believing that i had the situation under control. working a REAL first step a couple of times has finally got me to the place that i accept that i am powerless over my addiction, now i seek to narrow what the disease of addiction is and am able to retain the belief that i have control.
understanding that addiction is a pervasive part of my make-up and affects all areas of my life is a slippery concept to grasp. this is and has remained the largest issue facing my on-going recovery, the illusion that i have control and the denial that i am powerless over anything at all. even after some time clean this issue continue to rear it's ugly head. i know i am not unique in this behavior, as i have been hearing about from other addicts lately, and their voices have once again got me looking to myself and my current situation. i have to start with my current set of behaviors, the journey has changed both me and how i view my place in the world. as a result how i choose to deny what i am powerless over changes too. i somehow have come to that once again i have more answers than questions,. that i have accumulated some wisdom about how and why things work, especially when it comes to my program of recovery. the truth is that these insidious attitudes will destroy me if i allow them. so now having identified what is going on what should i do now. my first instinct is to work on them and apply my force of will to rid myself of them. what i now realize that once again i need to see these attitudes for what they are: LIES that my disease tells me to start me down the slope back into active addiction. the solution? surrender, accept that i am powerless of these behaviors and they are making my life unmanageable. then and only then can i continue to recover and win this battle with the current manifestation of my disease! and here i am back at Step 1 again, ready to move forward. i am so grateful that i have a connection to something beyond me that allows me to see beyond the lies i tell myself, because through that connection there is HOPE!
∞ DT ∞