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i have proven that to myself, time and again. here i sit, pondering the nature of life, the universe and everything, as it pertains to me, here at the center of the universe itself. of course i use that term in a very relative sense, after all we are each at the center of the universe, as that is how it must be. my perception extends out in all directions from me awareness of it, from thee tiniest of quarks that are the building blocks of my physical substance, to the edge of the void that is the outermost bound of what can scientifically be detected. with such a grand scale of reality, it is easy to get lost in what i perceive and what i think i perceive.
when i came to recovery, long before i actually started the recovery process, what i thought i knew about the reality was colored by addiction, and honestly believing that maybe there was some creative intelligence behind the whole structure was not that hard of a concept to grasp, especially since like all humans, i have trouble grasping the concept of infinity of scale in any direction, micro or macro. as i grow, i realize that i do NOT need to understand, all i have to do is accept that things are as they are.
quite a prelude to get into the fact that addiction is part of me. i have more than one of my peers in recovery say, that they have come to believe that GOD made them this way, and that GOD does not make any mistakes. although there may be comfort in that belief, that is more than a bit unsatisfactory and simplistic for me. i will not go into what i see as the fallacies of such statements as i have come to accept and yes, even cherish the fact that i am an addict, and addiction is something i have lived with since my beginning of time, and i will continue to live with, until i reach the end of my conscious existence. just because i am an addict, does not mean that somehow i am broken, nor is it something i NEED to fight against anymore it simply just is. that acceptance is a simplifying factor in my perception, as it explains why i do and think in a manner that seems contrary to those who appear to be normal. STEP ONE, frees me from the chains of active addiction and allows me to be something more than just another addict. while i accept that i will always be different. my experience is that over time, AS A RESULT of living STEP ONE, my life more normal than ever before.
i have gone way deeper than was my intention when i started writing this, but as a result i am beginning to clarify, for myself the direction i am going, what i am discovering or better put, uncovering as a result of the recovery process. i am more than enough fed up with just being an addict, BUT the only way through that, at least for me, is through the creative reconstruction process of the steps. that process starts with the admission that i am powerless over addiction and only continues as long as i believe that statement and continue to do something about it. why do some of us get it the first time, and others… that is one of those mysteries that are beyond my ken, i know i fought this way of life, tooth and nail, and often did the stuff i saw others doing, just because i was desperate to fit in, and this looked like the easiest place to do so, fit in that is.
as i posted on a friend's FB page yesterday: “i think therefore i am.” existence is all a matter of perception and i have the desire today, to do more than just exist, and i have the opportunity to do so, through the FREEDOM of the FIRST STEP admission, i am powerless and my life is unmanageable. from there, for me, i get the FREEDOM i so desperately want and have a path to becoming something i have always wanted to be, MORE!
anyhow, it is time to get moving on the work i have before me. it is a good day to be clean and i know the path i choose today, will be one that leads me to beyond my narrow comprehension of what is.

∞ DT ∞