Blog entry for:

i have been recently thinking about the responsibilities of my life and feeling quite overwhelmed and put out by the demands on my time that my responsibilities exact. i keep forgetting that each of the responsibilities in my life are a choice i make. when i was out using, i did everything i could to avoid responsibility because i looked at them as a heinous burden. the result was that i was exhausted by the end of a day from the effort of dodging my responsibilities.
today, i often once again look at responsibility as a burden and the reading not so gently reminded me that each responsibility i have is a conscious choice i make in the moment. i choose to go to work, i choose to pay my bills, i choose to sponsor others, i choose to work on my relationship with my significant other, i choose to work a program and i choose to surrender my will and my life to GOD. each of these choices brings me gifts that i have come to cherish and rely on. choosing not to participate in or dodge any of these choices would deny me things that i have become dependent on.
so when i start to feel overwhelmed by what i "have to" do on a daily basis, i need to look at what my life would be like without the gifts my responsibilities bring. would i really be happier if i quit my job and decided to live on the streets without a care in the world? maybe, but am i really ready to try that lifestyle? NOT AT ALL. i like having a warm comfortable home, i like having the funds available to eat on a consistent basis, i like knowing that i have a safe place to run to if i need to. to continue to have the gift of a home, i need to choose to work to bring in enough coin of the realm to provide that.
i also could choose to cut myself off from the fellowship by firing all my sponsees, quitting my service commitments and watching TV instead of going to meetings. while it is true that i would have more time to do what i wanted, would i be happier? NO!
i could also choose to stop practicing my daily program, no more meditation, step work or 10th step inventories. i would then have more time to sleep and possibly be more rested. would this choice really increase the quality of my life? i hardly think so!
so for me, if i want to continue to receive the gifts that i have grown accustomed to, i need to choose to do those things that allowed me to get them. i have to choose to live up to my responsibilities, be present for each moment, do whatever i need to continue to grow in recovery.
-- DT --