supposed to
Posted: Thu, Nov 26, 2020 08:57:50 AM
not one of the most savory terms in my life, for someone such as myself, those words were kryptonite and i did whatever i could to shift responsibility to anyone or anything else. coming to the program and learning that responsibility was something i could choose, only reinforced that behavior after all, now i could whine about the consequences of avoiding responsibility by saying my addict “made” me do it, or i could not find my sponsor to “help” me make a decision. today, i have grown up a little bit and i may still have the desire to shirk my responsibility or feel self-shamed into doing something i am “supposed” to do, but i GET that is a choice as well.
Thanksgiving has always been one of those holidays that bring up all kinds of emotions. in these plague times, today will be way different than in years past. i am the one “slaving over a hot stove,” and my Mom and Dad, get the day off. i will not be seeing my siblings or their children today and my parent's home will be more than a bit quieter and more serene. the rest of the day, well one can wonder but when i drift into expectations, i get all caught up in results. what i can say, is that no matter what am “supposed to” do with this day, getting some miles in and some serious chill time are two of the areas i am on going to focus on.
all of that is merely the noise that was covering up what i actually heard this morning. i may a have a shit-ton of stuff i am responsible for, but in the long run, all those fall to the bottom of the stack. what pops to the top, for me anyhow, is to be responsible for my recovery. writing this, living a daily program, allowing myself the freedom to be who i really am and finding the ways and means to better myself as a person, all fits under the umbrella of taking responsibility for my recovery. here is where oi could separate out my “disease” and speak to not being responsible for that. doing so, is a very dangerous and slippery slope for me. once i make the excuse that somehow addiction is responsible for this or that, i can see myself careening down the hill back into active addiction. for me, the easier, softer way is to “own” what is mine and let the rest go. that means that it is time for me to post this little ditty and get some miles in, before taking care of the next right thing to do, jut for right now.
Thanksgiving has always been one of those holidays that bring up all kinds of emotions. in these plague times, today will be way different than in years past. i am the one “slaving over a hot stove,” and my Mom and Dad, get the day off. i will not be seeing my siblings or their children today and my parent's home will be more than a bit quieter and more serene. the rest of the day, well one can wonder but when i drift into expectations, i get all caught up in results. what i can say, is that no matter what am “supposed to” do with this day, getting some miles in and some serious chill time are two of the areas i am on going to focus on.
all of that is merely the noise that was covering up what i actually heard this morning. i may a have a shit-ton of stuff i am responsible for, but in the long run, all those fall to the bottom of the stack. what pops to the top, for me anyhow, is to be responsible for my recovery. writing this, living a daily program, allowing myself the freedom to be who i really am and finding the ways and means to better myself as a person, all fits under the umbrella of taking responsibility for my recovery. here is where oi could separate out my “disease” and speak to not being responsible for that. doing so, is a very dangerous and slippery slope for me. once i make the excuse that somehow addiction is responsible for this or that, i can see myself careening down the hill back into active addiction. for me, the easier, softer way is to “own” what is mine and let the rest go. that means that it is time for me to post this little ditty and get some miles in, before taking care of the next right thing to do, jut for right now.
∞ DT ∞