Blog entry for:

conveniently at times, that i CHOOSE each and every responsibility that is part of my life today. i had an interesting conversation with my brother on Thanksgiving as we spoke of reaching the age of never having to work again. he was adamant that he could not wait for that day, and on that day he would leave the work force forever. me, on the other hand, am planning on working for as long as possible. i CHOOSE to work, to support the lifestyle that has become my life and to get my introverted self out of my house and into social situations. i really do not believe that sitting around doing nothing is a lifestyle that fits me very well, but unlike my brother, i choose to not dive into a whirlpool of chemical bliss. perhaps, if i was still using, the life of no responsibilities and nowhere to be, might appeal to me. when i feel “put upon” at work or even by the fact i “have” to go to work, i have forgotten that is a choice i make and one that i make freely. i also CHOOSE to whine about the consequences of that choice, sometimes because i am overwhelmed and sometimes just because oi think it is the thing to do.
in recovery, there have been times, however, where i took my responsibilities too seriously and crossed the line into ego, co-dependency and just plain toxic relationships. my service efforts on all levels, were once all about “looking good” and “protecting” my fellowship from the corruption of outside influences, i have moved on from the ego part of those efforts. however the High Lord Protector role still echoes through my actions, from time to time. i take on the responsibility to keep the message “pure” and burn the heretics at the stake of public humiliation, or at least that was how i used to do it. i still have the DESIRE to do so, but CHOOSE to take the responsibility to be welcoming and help my fellowship to attract newer members, rather than bully them into conforming. abdicating the toxic part of what ii once took on, extends much further into my recovery life and permeates my relationships with the men who choose to call me their sponsor.
where once i “carried” many an addict, today i have to allow the freedom to stumble, fall and get up again, with the amount of assistance they request. i know how much it hurts to make mistakes and i see their pain, as they come through them. as much as i want to “rescue” them from those “negative” experiences, i know that to do so, does not help them or me to grow. my responsibility to let them know that i am here to provide guidance, when i am asked to do so, and to help them find their way, without expressing judgement for their choices.
moving on, i need to wrap this up and get headed down to work on this very first day of no nicotine. i know i will need a boost from the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep it that way and it is up to me, to allow that POWER to provide me the power to stay clean from nicotine and pass my test, just for today. that, too, is a choice i have to take responsibility for, just for today.

∞ DT ∞