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in all the responsibilities of my life. yes i know how counter-intuitive that may sound. in fact there are moments of just about every day, when i feel more than a bit snowed under by the pile of responsibilities i have taken on. HOWEVER, BUT< WHATEVER, each and ever single one of those responsibilities is a direct result of being clean and working an active program of recovery. after last night, this morning there is a sense of maybe, well, sort of, gratitude, for a life that never seems to have enough minutes in a day.
so last night. well last night i went and rode around Southmoor park with a friend who is using, and more than likely was high. he was unwilling to sit in a parked car and even offered me gas money, which i now know he had none to really offer. for forty five minutes i listened to the insanity and bright ideas that can only come from someone like me. the wild scenarios of what MIGHT happen IF; the plans for getting clean; the plans for staying clean; and the question of what i thought they should do. i am generally not one to tell an addict to lock themselves away from society for a long period of time, but in this case, i am of a totally different mindset. i told them detox then one of two long-term, FAITH based rehabs. then, of course the excuses flew, they had not seen so and so in over three years, they did not think voluntarily locking themselves away was a good idea, they loved their current flavor of the year, and on and on, if only they could get out of town for just a little bit, they could get clean somewhere else, get their life together and come back clean and a brand new person.
yeah, yeah, yeah, i have been there, done that and certainly have multiple T-shirts. even when they they told me the most outrageous piece of addict insanity, probably heard, they were certain i did not get it and told me flat out, that i did not. they were certain they were marked for life as a bad person, in the eyes of society. perhaps that is true, but it is because of their behavior and not because they are an addict. what i walked away from that wasted forty-five minutes of my life was a sense of certainty that i DID NOT ever want to be where they are now: penniless, homeless and hopeless.
it is because i accept my daily responsibilities not despite them, that i get the chance to write this little ditty this morning. one of those responsibilities is to do what i say i will do, and not twist and turn everything that happens around, so i need no longer live in shame and remorse. it is amazing that when i do NOT do shameful acts, i do not have anything top carry shame around for. it is amazing that when i stay clean, i get to be a part of my life and the lives of those who are related to me as well as those who choose to hang with me. more than likely, that will probably be the last conversation i have with that friend, as i do not think he can survive his life much longer. as sad as that it, there is absolutely nothing i can do about it, as my days as the knight in white armor and the cavalry, are at a close. i cannot and will not rescue anyone from the misery of their own making, but i certainly will continue to give a hand up to anyone who is taking responsibility for their life and is doing something more than whining about what they can and cannot do.
today, i have a few clues about what is in my power and what is not. heading out to work, is. saving a using addict, not so much. i take full responsibility for my life today, including all the gifts that recovery has brought me, everything else i leave in the quite capable care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞