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if i do not take the time to appreciate both, perhaps i will miss something that will help me grow. after all, this is all about me!
as i write this, i am struck by the irony i have created by choosing the seed that i did. i do my level best not to label the events of my day as negative or positive, because i know those labels are a result of an emotional reaction to the events of the days, and an event that i do not like, may in the long run, turn out to be exactly what i need. i am however, human, and i believe that it is the nature of humans to label events, so recovery is working against an inherent trait, at least in my life. as i consider my considerable list of attributes that make up who i am, i see that recovery is working to change most of those as well. being lazy, is certainly one of those, and taking responsibility, seems to be the spiritual opposite for me.
i do not know if desiring to get great rewards for a minimum of effort is a human trait, that addiction warped into something else, an addict trait that i share with my peers, or just something that is mostly mine alone. it really does not matter, not taking responsibility plays into all sorts of nice and neat little traps for me, and that i hear echoed in the laments and jubiliations of my peers in recovery. fore me, i GET to play the victim, when i do not take responsibility for my life and my recovery. note to all of you, taking responsibility is not the same as taking control, i certainly know what i have control over these days, and taking responsibility, gives me a modicum more of power in my life. with that little bit more power i am given, comes great responsibility and responsibility often feels like a burden, to me. echoing the reading is nice, but moving beyond the reading, the power i legitimately possess, and not the illusion of control that i walked in here with, are not two different sides of the same coin. the way recovery works for me, is that when i get power, take responsibility that is inherent in that power, i get that much more control of my barely manageable life. over time, as i continue to listen and apply the lessons of my peers, i get a life that looks more and more like the other 85%, at least on the outside. the trick here, is not to believe that lie, that because my life looks like the other 85%, that somehow i am no longer an addict. i still need to take responsibility for my recovery, by doing the stuff i have done since the very beginning and the little bit more i have accumulated along the way. yes i have a responsibility to pay my bills, but paying those bills keeps a comfortable roof over my head, food in my ever-growing belly and a gars and coffee to relax and enjoy., on a periodic basis. the only way i can meet that responsibility is to go to wrok and take the responsibility to do what they pay me to do. the only way i can do that is to take responsibility for my recovery and accept as unmanageable as my life is, there are gifts of power that come from the POWER that fuels my recovery, that i need to accept and take responsibility for, as well. all of this, then goes my main task today, stay clean, no matter what, just for today and allow myself the freedom to recover. speaking of which, the time has come to prepare to journey west to earn my keep. it is a great day to do so.

∞ DT ∞