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this is one of those bon mots, i have often heard since i got clean. in my self-centered world view, i never saw myself as exhibiting anything close to character defects, i just chalked it up to that is just who i am. after a minute in recovery and some actual step work, i came to the mistaken belief that i was a defective character and all that i did was just another manifestation of self-obsession and entitlement. it took some more time and step work to finally see myself as something greater than the sum of my character defects and learn how to live with them. today, i see them as normal human attributes that i stretched out of proportion and that i have a choice whether or not to act on them or choose a different path. they have not been “lifted” from me, but they certainly play a much smaller role in my daily living.
i am far from cured, as i can still spot self-entitlement, self-obsession and selfishness all around me, whenever i choose to leave my home and interact with the world outside. i still get angry when i am cut-off in traffic or someone decides they have to merge in front of me, even when there is no room. i am getting better though, as one sign is my lack of desire to rail at them, insult them loudly and flip them off. i may not go instantly to forgiveness, but i do not allow myself to move into resentment. i still have a ways to go to replace my judgement of who i think those bastards are to having the compassion to think perhaps there is more going on in their lives than i can see and the reasons for their behaviors is beyond my ken.
the past thirty-six hours have been interesting for me. a friend and peer had a serious accident and will have his life upended for several months, if not years. i was reminded by my sponse in the meeting this morning that my job is to be there for him, for the long haul. i also got the unexpected gift from my spouse of a heartfelt expression of her love for me and our life together, that absolutely floored me. i am still processing both of those events and trying how to carry them forward into my daily life. for both of them, i certainly need to replace any judgement i may have felt with more than a modicum of compassion, as suggested by more source material. as i slide out to the Rec Center to get some steps on this snowy and cold afternoon, i certainly will keep that in mind, compassion, like kindness costs me nothing and never will, just for today.

∞ DT ∞