Blog entry for:

that first realization to the notion that i am an addict is the moment of surrender, from which i never look back. i was not and never have been, one who ceased fighting this or that until i could see no other choice. even once i admitted out loud that i had a drug “problem” the idea that i was an addict was something i resisted until the very end. i wanted so badly just to have a legal issue that mere abstinence would take care of, and perhaps, i might have tripped merrily down that path for a very long time. fortunately for me, i reached a point where i saw what i was doing was not working and that realization that i was an addict and not just “addicted≵ to various substances and behaviors, ended up being the turning point. in an ideal world, that turning point could have come less than seven months after my first meeting, but it did not. i stubbornly resisted that although my life was unmanageable, telling myself that i was just having a run of “bad luck.” be that as it may, my “luck” might not have changed on the day i saw myself for what i am, but for the first time in my life, i had a bit of HOPE that maybe i could change my life, to become more secure in who i am and leave my need to change my perception of the world behind.
looking back at that time in my life from the comfort of being comfortably ensconced in a program of active recovery, i have no regrets. hard-boiled cases like myself, take more than a bit of convincing to get over the wall of denial that kept me from seeing what i needed to see and become present for what i needed to do. my world is far from “ideal” these days, although it looks like i may not be as sick as i might have been. my under-educated reading of my pathology results seems to indicate that i am not cancer-ridden and dying any time soon, due to melanoma anyhow. the answers i seek from my medical professionals will be presented to me on Tuesday and if i am correct in what i think, i can rededicate myself to living the best life possible, which does NOT include a celebratory dip into better living through chemistry. what has been working is the program of recovery that i surrender to, on a daily basis. on that note i think i will get up, go for a walk and see if i can plow through a bit more of the dense piece of literature called Moby Dick. i can this here and now, i am not a Melville fan and unless the rest of the book changes, i probably never will be. today, i can dedicate myself to completing what i start, even when it id=s difficult and lacks the sort of immediate gratification that i still sometimes crave.

∞ DT ∞