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i begin to rely more on my intuition, trusting my feelings. i have never been a big signs kind of guy. i see dreams, songs on the radio and coincidences as just that, nothing more and nothing less. there has been times in my recovery, where what i thought was a **sign** of the will of a HIGHER POWER for me, was just wishful thinking or worse. this set of steps has allowed me to become better i9n touch with what i am feeling, and most importantly to actually begin to trust my intuition for the first time since i got clean. i have wanted to trust it earlier, but my experience in active addiction and where my intuition led me, soured me on ever trusting it again. i seriously though that i was so broken that i would never be able to trust those intuitive feelings again. which for the rational person i had thought i was, was not so bad after all.
the last 11TH step has been quite a tumultuous time for me, and as a result of redefinition of what i believe , i find myself left with no choice but to be present for what is going on around me, and even more importantly within me. listening to my intuition clearly falls into that category.
there is however a second part to this reading this morning. that is the KNOWING of that will IS NOT! i developed that ability very quickly in recovery, and for it is a gnawing feeling in the pit of my gut, not to dissimilar to the way my gut felt just before getting high. in early recovery, i often confused this feeling for a craving and worked hard to suppress it. i am no longer confused, as the desire to use as well as the physical cravings have been removed from me. today, i know that feeling means that i NEED to STOP, consider what i am doing, and then decide whether or not to continue. as i have yet to be deified, or even beatified, i still act-out, even with conscious knowledge i am going against the will of my concept of a HIGHER POWER. knowledge does not equal wisdom, nor does clean time equal recovery. i can still choose the next wrong thing to do, BUT the important point is, that it is a CHOICE i make. one of the greatest gifts i have received in recovery, is this ability to hear, to weigh, then to choose to act. i am no longer a slave to the automatic response, and for me that is a big part of freedom from active addiction. so i am getting the feeling i need to wrap this up and get on with my day. as i am in the listening mode today, i do believe i will choose to heed that and move on. TTFN

∞ DT ∞