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know which is the **right** path and if i am following the **true** purpose of my life?! that question might be one that would plague for hours, days or even weeks on end, in the not so distant past. this morning, it is sort of one and done: i just need to feel my way to the next correct thing to do and let go of the rest. in the case of the election, i am taking my own advice: i voted, i advocated for my candidate, had my speech suppressed on (X)Twitter, and now it is time to let go and take comfort that i live in a state where sixty percent of the voting population is on my side. i will resist tyranny, misogyny, homo and trans phobia and racism and be kind to those in my life who do not see things the same way that i do. i certainly HOPE the “i told you sos,” will not be flying in six months.
moving into more focused on recovery thoughts, i can see that when i was using, i was without purpose and my path forward was to sustain my ability to get my fix, on a daily basis. i may not have been “physically” addicted, but i was more than emotionally and mentally hooked. even though i was in denial,, every now and again a concern about how my life was going would creep in and make me uncomfortable, that is until that next toke, gulp or shot, then the world was alright once again. mere abstinence was not much better as i spent most of my time being confused about whether or not i had any desire to actually stay clean after i had “killed my number.”
throughout my continued recovery, i have struggled with this issue, until i have arrived at a place in my life, where i see it really does not matter. do not get me wrong, i want to uncover my purpose in life and move down the road into that future, it is just that i am less concerned with getting clarity in my head, when it is clarity in my heart that really matters. that clarity is achieved, briefly on a daily basis, usually at the conclusion of my daily Eleventh Step routine, but it hardly ever lasts long enough for me to grok it. that is not a bad thing, because once i start thinking on something, i inject all sorts of garbage from my list of desires into it. desire is not a bad thing, but it has certainly driven me to distraction more than once. just for today, i will put aside my desires, allow the POWER that fuels my recovery demonstrate where i need to be going and take any or all of the opportunities that are presented as i walk through this day.

∞ DT ∞