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i need to pay attention to such feelings, for they are often signals that i am acting contrary to the will of my Higher Power. it is interesting that this morning the reading was about the eleventh step and how i can **feel** knowledge of that will rather than have to **see** that knowledge. being between steps nine and ten, is a place where i feel major shifts in my perception. it happened last time i went through the steps, and it is certainly happening this time. so what is the biggest change i am sensing right now? well as i alluded to yesterday, it is like a whole new set of senses have been installed and turned on. the man i sponsor in prison has called this my sponsor "spidey-sense," which just barely starts to touch the surface of what is going on inside of me. the reading this morning just felt like the answer that i had been looking for, although i was clueless as to the question. when others say that the longer they stay clean the less they know, i was always confused and thought that they were speaking from false humility. then when i caught myself saying the same thing, i begin to get my first clue. finally, at least up to today, i am starting to sense this on a whole different level. what this is beginning to feel like for me, is that i may not **KNOW** something for certain. but i am coming to **SENSE** it in real-time. and sensing something and knowing something are not just intellectual mind tricks that i use to justify my current set of behaviors. no for me, they are entirely different manners of having the knowledge that is being put forward for me to grasp. the choice is how i want to access this knowledge, intuitively through my new set of senses or intellectually through my mind. although the end result is the same, intellectually is the easier and softer way, as i am familiar with that and have come to trust it in a general sense. but, i am beginning to get a clue, that the other means may be even more certain and less subject to interpretation and revision to make it fit with my will.
so anyhow, the Chinese have a curse that says may you live in interesting times, and i am seeing that when i think about life in active recovery, the times are always certainly interesting! so off to the showers and into this cool morning.

∞ DT ∞