Blog entry for:

uncomfortable feeling that maybe, just maybe i need to pause and consider what i am about to do. i had such a moment last night during the meeting. there was a whole lot i wanted to share and in the end, i decided that maybe that was not the time and place. this morning, as i trekked across the icy sidewalks for my morning constitutional, i “felt” that in this forum i could write what i wanted to say and if i am judged to be a “hater” so be it.
i am a member of a very specific fellowship and not A.nywhere A.nonymous. i do not believe that all twelve step fellowships are created equal and certainly take issue with thew notion of “recovery is all the same, regardless of where it comes form.” that is my opinion and it has been mostly unchanged since i left the life of abstinence and started a life of recovery. i can say from my experience, how i am taught to live my recovery journey is different in this fellowship, much different from the one i started in, for sure. i also know i was almost “too smart” to find any sort of recovery and believed that as long as i was not using i was “recovering.” i was a victim of my own cleverness because of what i thought i “knew” and more than once spouted off a version of history that was less than accurate. when i share these days, i do not NEED to impress the mass=es with a history or philosophy lesson, unless i am recounting my OWN personal history or philosophy.
i could stop there, but there was one more bit of misinformation that crawled under my skin, like a chigger. i find it more than duplicitous, when those who have been “around” the program, attempt to sum up all their bits of abstinence and say that they have “years” of recovery. the fact is they have years of abstinence, because if they were living a program of recovery, they would not have relapsed. i have a bunch of days clean, because i do my utmost best to work a program and i do not need to shade my actual recovery, with my time “around” the program. i spent my first six months of clean time, hiding in another fellowship, because i was too ashamed to come to mine and own the fact that i had lied about my clean time and the most clean time i ever had, before my actual clean date, was less than thirty days. the simple fact of life is that clean time speaks for itself and does not equal recovery.
today, just for today, i made a decision that no matter what, i am going to stay clean. i make no promises to anyone. i do not need to put up any fronts about how “recovered” i am and i do not need to apologize for what i feel. i GET to live a life that is beyond my wildest dreams, even though i never dreamed this was the life i desired. i get GRACE, because i have FAITH that the program of recovery, that the fellowship i call my home, promulgates, will give me the direction i need to find whatever it is that will keep me clean today. staying clean, just for today, is hard work and when i hear others cheapening it, by whatever means, i get angry and want to lash out. i, however, no longer need to play the “defender of the faith” role and can allow others to do what they feel the need to do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞