Blog entry for:

my part? stop trying to figure out what the will of that POWER is. okay no loophole here. it may seem that what i just wrote would imply that i am no longer seeking to improve my conscious contact, when in fact the opposite i true. my experience with other addicts as well as with myself, has been it is our heads that get in the way of TRUE connection, and not our HEARTS. i can seek evidence of the will of a HIGHER POWER working in my life, without needing evidence or a sign of what to do next. in fact, for me, when i let go and feel that will rather than interpret the events of daily living, i find most of the time i am better aligned to what that will actually is. case in point: the idiocy of the behavior of others over the past six days. of course i use the term idiocy loosely, as if asked i am quite sure they could and would be able to tell me how rational their behaviors actually were. how do i know that? but for the grace…
so all of my fuming and fretting has led to nothing, EXCEPT i got quite the insight into myself, and i have more than a clue of what the will of the POWER that provides all that i need for my recovery is today. that clue? live and be happy, soon enough i too will be that idiot who says something so insulting to everyone in the room that they are incapable of speaking to me. the fact that i was the receiver of all of this sh!t over the past few days, instead of the giver is also evidence that i am on the right track here. i did walk away last night, rather than engage. something put it on my heart that i would be better served by not participating when my passion was running as strong as it was, and for once i actually listened. i know that my passion, as it has become reawakened over the past few years of my recovery, is a gift. i have used, abused and misused that gift through all sorts of different behaviors, across all sorts of different venues and harmed all sorts of people and relationships because of that use and misuse. after all, what good is a gift if i do not use it? after all, if i have been given something, is it not mine to do with as i please, regardless of the consequences? the truth i am hearing this morning from my heart, is yes and no. yes it is mine to do with as i will, and no i am not justified to use it in any manner i choose to, especially when i use it as a weapon against others. i could start an automobile metaphor or analogy here, but i am quite sure my point has been made without driving home the obvious ;)
so feeling my way through today, instead of willing my way through today, seems to be what is on my heart and for a change what is in my head. i do believe i will use the oh so rare conjunction to my full advantage by doing what feels like the next right thing to do? which after 2.2 seconds of thought, is to go pound some miles around the neighborhood. until next time, i am certain it is a great day to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞