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i stay clean, is one of my favorite tropes in recovery. it is the preface for a whole little exercise writing about knowing how much i do not know and that bucket, the stuff i do not know, gets larger every day i stay clean and live a program of active recovery. today is really no different, BUT i may stray a bit and color outside of the lines.
it is quite true, i am not a “GOD” kind of guy, nevertheless, when i was borrowing the HIGHER POWER that was an amalgamation of all of my peers's notions, i struggled to “hear” the voice of GOD, so i could know what the next right thing to do was. in truth, all that brought me was frustration and some very odd superstitious behaviors, believing that i was acting in the will of GOD. at least i stayed clean and i have been able to amend the damage i did from back in those days. i have often written about my regret of being so pig-headed and stubborn about not listening to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and surrendering to the spiritual path that is my life these days. this morning, i see that for all the time i may have lost, what i gained was surety that i have found something that works for me, and leads me in the correct direction. i would have never asked for the time to FaceTime with my dying uncle, five years ago, and today, i am grateful that was put onto my heart and i followed through. i GOT to say my goodbye to him.
the question becomes, however, was that self-will and my selfish desire to be there or was it the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery? always an apt question, and five years ago, one that would have had me spinning for days on end. today? well today, i just accept that i had the desire to say goodbye, i asked for that opportunity and hopefully my uncle felt the love i was trying to express. the rest of the implications and dissertations i leave to the universe, as i am not willing to dissect that action any more.
the time has come to wrap this up and get out and pound some pavement. i want to enjoy football and a cigar today. i want to get my laundry done and i NEED to get some exercise under my belt, before i go all sedentary for the rest of the day. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to allow myself the freedom to just be and accept that if i let go, i will know what the next right thing just may happen to be.

∞ DT ∞