Blog entry for:

i used because i was afraid to feel emotional or physical pain, among the plethora of fears i had when i walked into the rooms. that inventory is long, boring and is an exercise that would be tedious and without merit this morning. it is true, that had you asked me back in the day, i would have told you i was fearless, and my outward appearance would not contradict that statement. in early recovery, i blamed the members in the rooms for turning me into an addict and a fear-riddled neurotic. after all, my denial structure was such, that anything less would have meant taking an honest look at who i really was, and that was yet to come.
the old days while instructive are not very germane to what i heard this morning, except to contrast where i am now in the process. replacing FEAR with FAITH, is a daily practice. it is one of the most difficult tasks i have ever undertaken and it continues to reward me with a little bit more sanity, a little bit more confidence and most of all a little bit more knowledge about who and what i am. one might say, that this practice is it and of itself one of the cornerstones of my ongoing recovery, and one might be correct in thinking that thought. as i live more in FAITH and less in FEAR, i become better able to be present for what is going on, i GET to practice active recovery and the growth that stared way back when i first admitted that maybe i had a problem, has the opportunity to continue
that does not mean FEAR is not a part of my life today. man would that be nice! no what it means that when i feel fearful, i have a process that will allow me to see if my FEAR is reality based and if there is anything i can do to remove that FEAR, like changing my current situation. if so, i can walk in FAITH that i will be given what i need to do so. if my fear is not rational, i can move into FAITH and ask that it be removed, by the process of living in active recovery.
on another note, this has been one of those mornings where i hit the ground running, metaphorically speaking, and GOT TO accomplish a whole bunch before sitting down to type this entry. my hope is that i can continue at this pace for the rest of this day. it is nice to clear things off my desk before jumping in the shower. a thought just occurred to me, and man is it a non-sequitur, this whole recovery gig, is about changing who i am, part of that is to look through my FEAR and be present for what is happening around me. if someone calls me a bully, perhaps i am, and need to look at that. if more than one someone calls me a bully, then the chance are quite good that i am behaving like one, and NEED to look at myself. being afraid of changing how i behave based on the reaction to those around me, is something i understand and here is a concrete example where FAITH can suffice. if i have FAITH that this program does work, THEN i need to allow it to work, by doing the next right thing -- whatever that may be. for me, that generally means i need to talk to my sponse, take his suggestions and do my best to allow the changes to be manifest within me. wow what a big gig this whole FAITH thing can be. so finally it is off to the showers and into this day -- for real this time.

∞ DT ∞