Blog entry for:

although the farthest i often ran was to my bedroom from the living room. the class of substances i used allowed me to disappear from reality for five or six hours at a crack at times, and when i was unreal, i had no fear. listening to another addict share last night, i remember what it was like to be clean, to be new in recovery and to be filled with fear and have no tools or coping skills to use. yes it sucked to be me back in the day, as i walked everywhere with fear as my constant companion, and it showed. today, it is more than likely true that i live with fear present all the time, BUT i no longer need to allow FEAR to drive and motivate me, as i have and am still coming to believe that a POWER greater than myself will take care of me. i asked that addict last night what courage meant, and he told me it was the opposite of FEAR, man did that take me back! i have been taught that courage is the ability to face FEAR and still move forward, not the absence of FEAR, and the courage i have today does not come from a bottle, a needle, or a glass pipe. my source of courage is the FAITH that i have painstakingly developed over the course of my recovery. FAITH can replace FEAR, if i allow it and this last little growth spurt has shown me that although i feel like a freak, i am not really any more out there than my peers. the certainty that i will get through this growth spurt and be better off as a result has been growing within me. i can fret, i can worry, i can wail, i can gnash my teeth, and in the long run none of that will improve my lot, i still have to face what i need to face PERIOD. what that may be tomorrow. i have no clue about, what that may be today? well some work, a meeting with my sponsee ending in me fulfilling my service commitment. maybe a cigar and some reconfiguring of my home network, just for giggles today. all of that is possible through the gifts that i have received by not using just for today and doing my level best to live a program of active recovery, i am so grateful that there were members here to tell me to hang in there way back at 60 days clean, all i had to do, is do what they did, and i would learn how to walk through FEAR and become a better person for the experience. so on to the next task for today to see what i how far i get in this slice of 24 hours.

∞ DT ∞