โ at the end of my active addiction i was so afraid of everything โ
Posted: Thu, Nov 10, 2011 08:06:12 AM
that i was unable even to leave my home without using first. although i took several days in active recovery before i realized that was the case. in fact, according to the shrink i saw back in those grim and dark early days of recovery, it was only because of the drugs that i was not locked into my home. in other words, i was self-medicating my panic disorder and the gift i GOT was i was still capable of even leaving my home, without collapsing in a panic attack.
whether or not that was a correct diagnosis or not, is not relevant anymore, as it has been, many days since those dark times. what is relevant about this reading and that whole idea is that FEAR is still part of me. the STEPS, the fellowship and the POWER that fuels my recovery, all provide me with the power i need to have just the littlest bit of courage and move forward. i know today, that if i maintain my contact with the source of my power, i CAN get through anything. in fact, the decision to stay clean today and to do my best is the most courageous one i can make to start my day. honestly, if i wanted to, i could find a million and one excuses to use, and to disappear into the oblivion, for just a few minutes. i know that in that brief moment the bliss i feel, trumps any fear i may have and that option, is always available to me. i choose not to say that using is not an option for me, it is ALWAYS and option, just one i choose not to exercise today. yes i can act out of FEAR, recovery never promised to remove FEAR from my life, nor did it promise top make me FEARLESS, no the gift i get is the COURAGE to persevere, one more day.
so where is all of this leading? well there is one or more person in my life who i am afraid will make choose using over recovery. what can i do? not a whole lot. i do have duct tape and a pole in my basement. as well as a food processor and more than one copy of the Basic Text, but that action will never accomplish what i want it to, in the long or short term. this morning, i need to let go of my FEAR, accept that i am POWERLESS over them and just be present and available, if they choose to do something different.
that and the POWER that fuel;s my recovery will allow me to do what i need to do today, and i can replace my FEAR with a FAITH that will carry me through. so back to the salt mines.
whether or not that was a correct diagnosis or not, is not relevant anymore, as it has been, many days since those dark times. what is relevant about this reading and that whole idea is that FEAR is still part of me. the STEPS, the fellowship and the POWER that fuels my recovery, all provide me with the power i need to have just the littlest bit of courage and move forward. i know today, that if i maintain my contact with the source of my power, i CAN get through anything. in fact, the decision to stay clean today and to do my best is the most courageous one i can make to start my day. honestly, if i wanted to, i could find a million and one excuses to use, and to disappear into the oblivion, for just a few minutes. i know that in that brief moment the bliss i feel, trumps any fear i may have and that option, is always available to me. i choose not to say that using is not an option for me, it is ALWAYS and option, just one i choose not to exercise today. yes i can act out of FEAR, recovery never promised to remove FEAR from my life, nor did it promise top make me FEARLESS, no the gift i get is the COURAGE to persevere, one more day.
so where is all of this leading? well there is one or more person in my life who i am afraid will make choose using over recovery. what can i do? not a whole lot. i do have duct tape and a pole in my basement. as well as a food processor and more than one copy of the Basic Text, but that action will never accomplish what i want it to, in the long or short term. this morning, i need to let go of my FEAR, accept that i am POWERLESS over them and just be present and available, if they choose to do something different.
that and the POWER that fuel;s my recovery will allow me to do what i need to do today, and i can replace my FEAR with a FAITH that will carry me through. so back to the salt mines.
∞ DT ∞