Blog entry for:

all aspects of my life, replacing many of the nasty bits with tasty ones. yesterday, i spoke of plans and outcomes and this morning my plan to travel south tomorrow still is uncertain. one thing i know for certain, is that i am resolved to go, but this is not one of those “no matter what, no matter where, no matter why,” kind of plans. this is a plan that i may have a very large investment in, and i do, but it is not one that i have to put my life, limb or sanity at risk to fulfill. when i get up tomorrow morning, at the time of day that i need to, to prepare for my journey, weather and road conditions will dictate my next move. it is not FEAR that drives me to putting off my final decision although a bit of caution and introspection is required. i have FAITH that whichever way i cast my lot, it will be the correct one, as long as i allow myself the FREEDOM to be okay with trusting my feelings and my intuition.
i often share about my journey out of the heart of darkness that kept me clean for so long. the FEAR and anger that seated me in the rooms, were the seeds of my early recovery, once i finally accepted who and what i was. in fact when i admitted to myself that i was an addict, without any hyphens, qualifiers, or catchy descriptions, i let go of the anger but embraced the FEAR of losing my freedom to years of incarceration. i know today, that particular fear was not only unfounded but blown way of proportion. when it was replaced by fear of relapse, it seemed to be fitting that the only reason i was doing all i was doing was to stave off my eventual relapse, after all, people like me do get to stay clean for very long.
sitting here many days later, i see that the progression from FEAR to HOPE and finally FAITH, was not a slam-dunk, nor ever destined to become reality, as i see many of my peers still living in abject slavery to their FEAR of relapse. i am grateful, and yes that is the correct word, that i no longer am a slave to my FEAR and that the fellowship and the program of recovery, i choose to be a part of today, has brought me out of that place. the keys to that freedom were given to me very early on, but i was unable to see the doors that they could unlock. being freed from an overarching and omnipresent fear, does not mean i will never use again, i hesitate to even think that. no what it means to me anyhow, is that if i place my FAITH in the program of recovery that has brought me all this way and uncover the ability to let go of what is certainly beyond my control, i will continue to decide that just for today, i will do whatever i need to do to stay clean. that is my “no matter what, no matter who, no matter where and no matter when,“ kind of decision. it is a great day to be feeling the light and although the snow may fly tomorrow, to paraphrase Ms. O'Hara, i will think about that tomorrow, after all tomorrow is another day.

∞ DT ∞