Blog entry for:

home without using first, although i never thought it was about FEAR. denial, however was a HUGE part of what kept me using, after all, people like me, just do not get clean. i saw no reason to stop using and even after being diagnosed with panic disorder, i was skeptical that my desire to use, was a symptom of needing to self-medicate. today, from the comfort of a few days clean, i can see the point to the reading about FEAR versus FAITH and maybe that shrink who diagnosed me, all those years ago, was not that far off the mark.
the reading implies that i can either be living in FAITH or FEAR and for a long time, i could go with that flow. since my spiritual path is all about the “whole” rather than the pieces that comprise it, i do see that my FAITH is defined by my FEAR. in fact if i did not know FAITH, i could continue to live in the dark about how FEAR driven i have always been. speaking to one of my peers last night, i saw how afraid they were about the possibility that furthering their recovery process, might actually hurt. what they could not see, is that the reward of facing that pain might just be FREEDOM from continually making less than ideal decisions. facing their FEAR would free them from that FEAR and allow them to enter a new phase in their existence, just as i have done. for me, walking out the door to face the world, is no longer an event that requires using a little drop of poison, to “take the edge off.” i am far from being released from my fears, anxieties and doubts about myself, the world around me and my place within that world. that does not mean, however, that i need to dip into my bag of tricks, just to get ready to head out the door, unless i is a fistful of FAITH that i am reaching for today.
i am running a bit late, so with a little bit of FAITH i will start my preparations to head on out to work, and guess what, just for tosay, this addict need not use something to prepare him for the cold and foggy world that i outside his home.

∞ DT ∞