๐ no matter ๐
Posted: Thu, Nov 10, 2022 07:16:57 AM
how far i ran, i always carried fear with me. i know that a year ago, i was caught up in a huge battle with a personality that does not find the ways and means to reach any sort of consensus. i do not know why they happened to take an issue on so personally, to the point of destruction their reputation and leaving behind nothing but scorched earth. the odd part of that entire affair is that once i owned my nastiness and participated in the dog and pony decision-making process i let go of taking this battle one and walked away.. well it was more like i ran away, as i knew right then and there, that i could no longer serve in any capacity with that person. ironically, i am still serving and they seem to be fretting and fuming over my alleged role in the final demise of their “grand project.” what is, simply is as i have moved into a state of neutrality over them and their “issues.” i know this though, i will never, ever serve with them on any sort of service body.
i can state without any problem what my fear was a year ago. as hard as i try not to be the “big man on campus,” some of the time, i feel the “need” to step up and passionately defend what is against what can never be. a year ago i was afraid that i was not being heard and i was being dismissed by someone who had “been around” this sort of service for their entire recovery stint. who the fVck were they to tell me i was wrong and full of sh!t? from there it just spun down into all sorts of chaos and damage, to myself and to those around me. stepping away after the fact and resolving to allow others to take up the mantle was the healthiest thing i ever did. in the long run, i was correct and they were wrong and boy oh boy, do i want to smash their face in the pile of sh!t they created. yeah, there is still a feeling or three rolling around the noggin here.
coming back to the whole notion of fear versus faith thing, i can see that when i am in a spiritual place, faith guides my action and when i traipse off into my self-willed selfish mode, fear is the predominant driver of my actions. oh i am clever enough to disguise fear as passion, but most of the time, my passion is based on some sort of fear. case in point, my involvement on Twitter engaging with the “blue wavers.” my fear was that the Neo-fascist MAGA supporters would take over the reins of power and reign terror on the majority of those who do not ascribe to their beliefs. well today, i may not have got the result i most wanted, but the result i did get was one that i can live with, more balanced gridlock, but that final outcome has yet to be decided. just for today, i can dress out and head out. just for today. i will actually do some work and allow the elections to play out as they will. just for today, i will do my best to allow my fears to be removed by fostering my faith in myself, my program of active recovery and the POWER that fuels my recovery.
i can state without any problem what my fear was a year ago. as hard as i try not to be the “big man on campus,” some of the time, i feel the “need” to step up and passionately defend what is against what can never be. a year ago i was afraid that i was not being heard and i was being dismissed by someone who had “been around” this sort of service for their entire recovery stint. who the fVck were they to tell me i was wrong and full of sh!t? from there it just spun down into all sorts of chaos and damage, to myself and to those around me. stepping away after the fact and resolving to allow others to take up the mantle was the healthiest thing i ever did. in the long run, i was correct and they were wrong and boy oh boy, do i want to smash their face in the pile of sh!t they created. yeah, there is still a feeling or three rolling around the noggin here.
coming back to the whole notion of fear versus faith thing, i can see that when i am in a spiritual place, faith guides my action and when i traipse off into my self-willed selfish mode, fear is the predominant driver of my actions. oh i am clever enough to disguise fear as passion, but most of the time, my passion is based on some sort of fear. case in point, my involvement on Twitter engaging with the “blue wavers.” my fear was that the Neo-fascist MAGA supporters would take over the reins of power and reign terror on the majority of those who do not ascribe to their beliefs. well today, i may not have got the result i most wanted, but the result i did get was one that i can live with, more balanced gridlock, but that final outcome has yet to be decided. just for today, i can dress out and head out. just for today. i will actually do some work and allow the elections to play out as they will. just for today, i will do my best to allow my fears to be removed by fostering my faith in myself, my program of active recovery and the POWER that fuels my recovery.
∞ DT ∞