ฮฑ as my FAITH in recovery begins to color ฮฑ
Posted: Sun, Nov 10, 2013 10:03:29 AM
all aspects of my life, i start to see myself differently.
well, i have started this a couple of times, and still have no direction. guess what, i think i will just wing it.
this whole thing about realizing i am a spiritual being, just feels so touchy-feely and smacks of new age “wisdom,” to me. i know that the literature of the fellowship that is my home, says this in more than one place, in fact the whole program sees itself as spiritual, so if i am practicing a spiritual program, it follows that i must be a spiritual being. on that level i am okay, with the notion. on other levels, well not so much. the problem for me, is that as deep as i try to dig, all i can see is the very human aspects of who i am. sure, as a result of my exposure to the program, i have developed empathy, compassion and the ability to give and receive love, but i see those as normal everyday, human traits and attributes. stuff that the other 85% does without thinking about it or having to recognize what it is they are missing. they just have it, and on that level, i guess they are spiritual beings, so recovery has restored me to a more spiritual state. the stuff i have to practice, is the stuff they seem to innately live, without effort. so as i walk the path of recovery i get to become more human? or perhaps as i approach being a better person, i am homecoming more spiritual. yes, i know, i am splitting semantic hairs here and acting like one of the men i have sponsored over the years, who always finds fault in the very humans, i have come to rely on to have my back. in his world, he seems to expect that everyone takes cares of his needs first, and is more than a little put-off when the rest of the world, moves on with their lives, as he settles in for yet another time-out from life. there are even days, when a timeout for three to six months, seems like a good idea for me. and then the bubble pops and i see that as attractive as that may look, i certainly know that i would hate every minute of it, brutal reality demolishes the fanciful thinking that i could have it all -- a timeout and then return to my life, just as it is. the world will not stop for me, and life and those in my life will continue to grow and get on with living day by day. the accumulation of that growth and those days, leads to a different world than i am used to, when my timeout is over, only adding to my confutation and frustration. no now that i think about it, the whole idea of an enforced timeout is lacks any positive consequences for me, and certainly has more than enough pitfalls and traps. as i ponder this more and more, i am starting get why his transition is so difficult, as a spiritual being, he remains stagnant and the rest of the world moves on.
i risk a similar consequence when i take a timeout from my recovery. if i decide that meeting are too much of the same of sh!t and stop going. if i decide there is too much drama in fellowship and withdraw. if i decide that i have worked enough steps and have no more growth to accomplish, than i have locked myself in a prison with only the part of me i call addiction to keep my company and that prospect seems far from palatable to me. it is my sponsor who provides me the link to those who have gone on this path before me. it is my peers and friends that provide the link to the spiritual life i have now. without practicing the spiritual principals as written and explained to me, by a sponsor, and seeing others doing the same, i am certain all hope is lost. today, no matter how i slice i, dice or julienne it, i guess i am a spiritual being, who needs to stay on the path of allowing spiritual principles to work in his life. no doubt about it.
well, i have started this a couple of times, and still have no direction. guess what, i think i will just wing it.
this whole thing about realizing i am a spiritual being, just feels so touchy-feely and smacks of new age “wisdom,” to me. i know that the literature of the fellowship that is my home, says this in more than one place, in fact the whole program sees itself as spiritual, so if i am practicing a spiritual program, it follows that i must be a spiritual being. on that level i am okay, with the notion. on other levels, well not so much. the problem for me, is that as deep as i try to dig, all i can see is the very human aspects of who i am. sure, as a result of my exposure to the program, i have developed empathy, compassion and the ability to give and receive love, but i see those as normal everyday, human traits and attributes. stuff that the other 85% does without thinking about it or having to recognize what it is they are missing. they just have it, and on that level, i guess they are spiritual beings, so recovery has restored me to a more spiritual state. the stuff i have to practice, is the stuff they seem to innately live, without effort. so as i walk the path of recovery i get to become more human? or perhaps as i approach being a better person, i am homecoming more spiritual. yes, i know, i am splitting semantic hairs here and acting like one of the men i have sponsored over the years, who always finds fault in the very humans, i have come to rely on to have my back. in his world, he seems to expect that everyone takes cares of his needs first, and is more than a little put-off when the rest of the world, moves on with their lives, as he settles in for yet another time-out from life. there are even days, when a timeout for three to six months, seems like a good idea for me. and then the bubble pops and i see that as attractive as that may look, i certainly know that i would hate every minute of it, brutal reality demolishes the fanciful thinking that i could have it all -- a timeout and then return to my life, just as it is. the world will not stop for me, and life and those in my life will continue to grow and get on with living day by day. the accumulation of that growth and those days, leads to a different world than i am used to, when my timeout is over, only adding to my confutation and frustration. no now that i think about it, the whole idea of an enforced timeout is lacks any positive consequences for me, and certainly has more than enough pitfalls and traps. as i ponder this more and more, i am starting get why his transition is so difficult, as a spiritual being, he remains stagnant and the rest of the world moves on.
i risk a similar consequence when i take a timeout from my recovery. if i decide that meeting are too much of the same of sh!t and stop going. if i decide there is too much drama in fellowship and withdraw. if i decide that i have worked enough steps and have no more growth to accomplish, than i have locked myself in a prison with only the part of me i call addiction to keep my company and that prospect seems far from palatable to me. it is my sponsor who provides me the link to those who have gone on this path before me. it is my peers and friends that provide the link to the spiritual life i have now. without practicing the spiritual principals as written and explained to me, by a sponsor, and seeing others doing the same, i am certain all hope is lost. today, no matter how i slice i, dice or julienne it, i guess i am a spiritual being, who needs to stay on the path of allowing spiritual principles to work in his life. no doubt about it.
∞ DT ∞