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well, if it has to be one or the other, than i choose FAITH, today, although i am not totally convinced that that FAITH and FEAR, are mutually exclusive states of being.
with that in mind, let us take a journey into the the not so dark heart of darkness, that i currently possess. way back when, my greatest FEAR was not getting what i wanted or thought i needed. i schemed, manipulated and generally exercised as much self-will as possible to arrange the outcomes to meet my ever increasing and harder to fulfill expectations. FAITH, well i had FAITH that as long as i could get and stay high, i would be okay, no more no less. emotions were undesirable anyhow, so if they were part of the bargain i made to feed my need to use, oh well, that was a bonus!
as one can see, i was not entirely FAITHLESS when i came to recovery, and i was certainly to totally FEARFUL either, i was as time has shown, living in a state of FEAR and FAITH, sort of the yin/yang of the Tao of Don.
during those first eighteen months of me being “around” the program, FEAR was an ever increasing part of that relationship and my FAITH waned. the “GOD” i had borrowed from my first sponsor, never really worked for me, but it was just enough to keep me clean. my FAITH in that borrowed concept never grew, and i became sicker instead of better. so i guess those eighteen months could be looked at as a success, because No Matter What, i did not use, but there were all sorts of undesirable consequences for me, and those kept me determined to see this to its very bitter ends.
today, i can see that what i once saw as a bitter end, was actually the start of my new life. once the sword of the 20th Judicial District had been lifted, i was finally free to do this gig for myself. i finally knew what it felt like to walk with some FAITH. across the course of my recovery, i see more and more, that FAITH and FEAR, define each other, and for me, they are both omnipresent. it is not as if i walk around jumping at shadows, so full of FEAR that i sh!t my pants when a gust of wind howls around me. i do not , however, walk six inches above the ground on a cloud of FAITH either. i live in a state that ebbs and flows between those extremes, and is more often than not smack dab in the middle, so what is it that keeps me coming back?
what i see as my motivation for doing what was suggested a long, long time ago, is that i no longer have the NEED to use. just for today. i can feel FEAR as well as my other emotions, without becoming a basket case. i have FAITH that if i keep doing what i have been taught to do, i will get what i need from the POWER that fuels my recovery, and maybe some of the things i want, as well. so right here and right now, it is time for me to have FAITH, that i have written more than enough and dismiss the FEAR that no one will read this. when i write for me, and no one else, i am living in a state of FAITH and that is more than enough, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞