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that i was unable even to leave my house without using first. well, that my friends is what i call a bit of creative license. the true part is that i seldom left my home without being high. the not so true part? well that it was a fear based behavior. the psychiatrist i say back in early recovery, would have nodded her head in agreement, as i was diagnosed with panic disorder and the only thing that kept it from turning into full-blown agoraphobia was the fact that i did use every single day of my life. today, being an agoraphobic is not as hard as it would have been way back then, but it really is beside the point. my point being,m that for whatever reason, fear or desire, i was high just about every time oi walked out on to the street. so learning to replace FEAR with FAITH was what the reading was about this morning, and i arrived there form a sideways sort of direction.
as it so happens this morning, i heard something one of my peers said last night, as i was sitting down to listen. they went on and on about how they came to addiction late in life, did not honestly share that they could count their number of clean days on their toes and fingers. as one may guess, i have very strong opinions, and i am not afraid to express them here. i would not say anything to my peer, recuse they are of the type that if someone assertively sneezes in their direction, they are off to the crack house. what i see in them, as well as what i see in me, is a FEAR to admit that they are an addict. i am intimately acquainted with that FEAR and it was not until i finally let go and allowed one or two precepts of the program creep into my life, did i move from an external motivation, e.g. the 20th Judicial District, to an internal one, to stay clean. note, i did not say, recovery, active recovery or anything of that ilk, that stuff came later. no it was acknowledging my FEAR of being just like the members i saw when i was getting clean, that finally got me to stay clean, just for me. no matter what anyone said or did for me, once i decided to stay clean, i was not about to let myself be chased out of the rooms. and thus began my journey to arrive at today.
i still have fears, but i also have FAITH. i am certainly still an addict, and even though i DID NOT use for the first fifteen years of my life, i have come to see that i was already exhibiting addict-like behaviors. not the church, society, family or the law was going to deter me once that trigger was tripped and discovered the joy of being high, and for me, there was a certain joy in getting high, even at the very end, when it was necessary for my very existence, or so it felt. replacing that joy and my FEAR of life unaltered, with FAITH has been the most fruitful undertaking of my brief recovery career. today, i am not afraid to step out on to the street, show the world who i am and be more than i was yesterday. today, i am deeply rooted in my fellowship and my recovery program, and even when the dilettantes start to scream in my head, i can safely say, just for today, i am grateful that i need not fear my life without drugs.

∞ DT ∞