Blog entry for:

i am totally defective and need to disguise, obfuscate and bury any shortcomings from my peers, family, friends, hell anyone who happens to cross my path, has been a driving force in my life since i was very young. i can say without any hesitation that each time i formally work the heinous SIXTH STEP and the glorious SEVENTH, a bit of that feeling got chipped away. my last FIFTH STEP, finished that process and as i start a new round of steps, trying to figure out who i am, i no longer fear discovery of my less than savory bits, by anyone. how that plays out in real time will be put to the test as i visit a place and spend time with people that i have not seen in nearly three decades. for some reason, getting clean to did not foster a desire to refresh any relationships from that side of the family for me. i am more than a bit apprehensive about attempting to “impressing the living shit” out of them. when i pause and consider, however, i am far from certain that i can play that game, ever again. i have come too far down the road of becoming who i always have been and am unwilling to veer off that path.
this morning as i peek out at the cold and early late November morning, i am less than willing to dress out and hit the sidewalks. in fact, i am once again, going to the Rec Center to work out this morning. i know that i prefer being outside and that i am compromising myself, ever so slightly, to choose to be a gym rat again this morning. oh i can and have manufactured a thousand excuses and none of them get to the point that today i am choosing physical comfort over my preferences. once upon a time that might have felt like a cop-out to me, this morning it feels like the next right thing to do. when i consider how hard i work at attempting to rehabilitate myself, physically, i can use my recovery program as an example. each and everyday, for the past nine thousand plus days, i have made a decision to do whatever it took to stay clean, for that day. without a doubt, my life is better and i am happier and certainly a whole lot less flaky. my decision to workout in a controlled environment is better than a decision to skip the workout all together or tell myself that IF i wait, the sun will come out, the air will warm up and i can be just as comfortable, later today. the facts of my life are, i will not workout with the intensity that i achieve in the early morning, so it is off to the gym i go.
before i do, i have to admit that although my character defects are no longer as glaring as they once were, i no longer cringe every time i trip over one of them. i am coming to a place where i see them as part of my human nature and i can choose to react or respond to them, through the gift of the SEVENTH STEP. i do have a choice today. 😁

∞ DT ∞