Some memes

of recovery is showing up -- bring the body and the mind will follow. considering the topic of reliability and comparing how it plays a role in my life, across the span of years that comprise my life, i can say that i was hardly ever a flake about showing up, when i said i would. the condition i showed up in, well that was a different story. when i consider reliability in the context of my life in recovery, i can honestly say that my friends, peers, family members and associates can count on me being there and most of the time full;y present. i am, however, human and i have been known to flake out every now and again. when that occurs, i have more than enough ways to correct the damage i do, thanks to the process of recovery that is active in my life.
yes, sometimes my source material is hard to apply to my life. today feels like one of those days, where the topic is an opportunity to show-off how well i do something, which leads me down another rabbit-hole of sorts. when i get to one these opportunities, something i have always done fairly well, my ego gets stoked and i move into a sense of superiority overt everyone else in the world. one might say, i boost my self-esteem at the expense of everyone else in the world, by pumping up how much better i am than they are. one might think that someone, such as myself, who has a minute clean might be past all of that. which brings me to one of my favorite clichés: “why are they called shortcomings, when they take so long to go away? ” 😆 😆
the fact of the matter is, that for me, there are still times when i feel less than and when i have an opportunity to crow, i do so. as much as i would love to say i have let go of all my self-esteem issues, through a few sets of all twelve steps, the fact remains, that this issue still looms large in my life. the evidence is in the insanity of doing it on my own, when i had an overwhelming desire to use. the evidence was keeping my sponsor for years beyond that relation ship being beneficial to me. the evidence is hiding behind texts and in service to look better than i am actually doing. i guess i am coming to believe that there is more than enough insanity in my life, to commence the process of STEP TWO.
as i prepare to act in a reliable manner and be true to myself and my goals, i can say that where i am the most flaky is with work and how i treat myself. yes, i am doing my physical fitness gig on a daily basis and yes, being in shape is not a bad thing. my motives, however may not be as “pure” as i put out there. sure i want to live and active life, BUT i also want to look good as i am doing just that. as the inches come off my waist and chest, i get a thrill of seeing the results being manifest in a visible sense. what i am not paying attention to, however, is the ease with which i am climbing steps these days, as my endurance and stamina improve. once again, looking good is overruling feeling good. just for today, i will show up for myself and take stock in the parts of me that are not visible to the world around me.

∞ DT ∞