Some memes

shake my old ideas about independence and self-reliance, i practice kindness. i always thought i was a kind person in the vein of i need to be cruel to be kind, to borrow a phrase. i believed that brutal honesty about what i saw was what everyone around me required and i was being kind to provide it without hesitation or being asked to do so. in my actions, however, kindness never played any part of my calculations. everything i did was meant to further my cause and what appears to be kindness came with a HUGE string attached, a debt to be repaid some time soon. when one such as i sees the world as a series of transactions that i want to come out on top of, kindness is just a mask for selfish self-interest.
coming to the rooms, i heard over and over again that asking for help was an act of kindness. i did not understand that notion and i believed i was in the company of losers and feebs. men do not ask for help and this grown ass man, in particular had made it past his fortieth birthday with very little assistance form anyone else, why would i start asking for help now? as i stumbled through mere abstinence and finally became a member, i started to see that maybe, just maybe, i needed someone to guide me through this process and perhaps i might be able to let go of the notions that were holding back my personal growth. i also saw that there was absolutely no cost to acting kindly, even when i did not feel kind. yet another example of behaving my way into better thinking.
these days, kindness is not just an act and asking for help and allowing others to actually provide that help, is part of how i live my days clean. where once i believed i needed to come out on top, today i see that i am automatically on top when i allow others to be a part of my life and i become part of their lives as well. being kind, at least in my book, means doing the next right thing, even when no one is watching. of course, many of my peers will tell me that their HIGHER POWER ia always watching, but even if that is the case, i do not care, as i am always watching. i know when i am crossing the line back into that state of selfish self-interest and i have the ability to change my course in real time. does that mean i am always successful? not by any means or measure, BUT, and yes it is a big one, it means i do my best and clean up the mess afterwards when i do not quite succeed, just for today.

∞ DT ∞