Some memes

during my period of mere abstinence and even into early recovery, i was clueless about our my needs, much less the needs of others. looking back from the comfort of a very long minute clean, i can see that i was unkind to others, because i am unkind to myself. one might say that i am a victim of my own success. well, if you can call playing whatever role i needed to play, to keep anyone and everyone from seeing who i was, including myself. kindness was never any part of those personas, it was always feigned and there was always a catch. i could go down the path of victimhood, but what would that serve. is there regret for who i happened to be in those dark and dank days? yes. am i going to shame myself and allow others to take advantage of me as some sort of payback for being a dickhead asshole for all those years? well, the answer to that question is neither straightforward nor easy.
part of what drives my insanity, is that i am very judgemental of those who happen to cross my path, the words asshole, dickheads, self-entitled and oblivious, pop up like dandelions in the spring, seemingly from nowhere. that starts an internal process, where i become critical of myself and being kind to me, much less anyone else, is nearly impossible. as i live in the aftermath of my SECOND STEP, i see that in an attempt to be kind to those i have the desire to judge, i attribute a million excuses for them to justify their behavior, instead of just accepting the event itself. that has my fingerprints all over it, as it is how i could get through a day being who i was, as i trounced on the feelings of those around me. what i am coming to see, is that if i want to walk through this world with a little less angst, strife and ill-will, i need to find a way to practice kindness without strings. in the here and now, that means i just am kind, not because it is something i “should” and not because i expect a reward of kindness in return. certainly sounds like an ideal to shoot for, just for today.

∞ DT ∞