๐ in my home group ๐
Posted: Mon, Sep 14, 2026 10:47:21 AM
and the fellowship i do have a place and a purpose. it is not as if i had no purpose or place to fit before coming to recovery. my purpose was to get high every day, stay high as much as possible and hang with those who could facilitate that and keep up. sadly, hardly anyone could keep up and those who did, well staying high became a competition. i dis not always win but often enough was the last soldier standing. basically getting clean “stole” my purpose and place from me. finding a place through service was one way to go, but mostly i served because it made me look good. i have been more than open about that and yes, i have grown beyond looking good, i certainly have found a place to thrive.
i have to admit, however, that when i dipped into the void, none of my seed material went with me. in fact there was a whole lot of nothing in that quiet, no thoughts, no plans for the day, no recriminations or sudden revelations. i felt calm, composed and balanced and the truly experienced the void today. that is not unusual, per se, but it was a bit surprising and the surprise was how much i enjoyed it. yes, this morning as i sat, it was pleasurable, in fact i almost felt guilty that i found pleasure in quiet. almost! 🤣
coming back from my blood work to this exercise in mind-dumpery, i have certainly have a sense of purpose today and it does not involve medical conditions, selling cigars or getting my espresso order, even though all of that is on tap. my purpose today is to live my best life possible in my daily program of active recovery. i shared my milestone with the customers who know i am in recovery and my “world tour” will conclude on Wednesday night at the group where my recovery journey started. what does my best life possible look like today? well a little bit more of treating myself with kindness and courtesy, for sure. i know judgement, contempt and my seemingly hardwired opinion of who i am will not change merely because i wish it to do so. i can, however, allow myself the benefit of the doubt, at least once today, as i am not quite as powerless over that than i think i may be. yes, my inertia is hard to overcome and the outside force tat is acting on it is my current step work. momentum however, especially over decades, is hard to change. i am willing to apply the pressure to do so, just for today.
i have to admit, however, that when i dipped into the void, none of my seed material went with me. in fact there was a whole lot of nothing in that quiet, no thoughts, no plans for the day, no recriminations or sudden revelations. i felt calm, composed and balanced and the truly experienced the void today. that is not unusual, per se, but it was a bit surprising and the surprise was how much i enjoyed it. yes, this morning as i sat, it was pleasurable, in fact i almost felt guilty that i found pleasure in quiet. almost! 🤣
coming back from my blood work to this exercise in mind-dumpery, i have certainly have a sense of purpose today and it does not involve medical conditions, selling cigars or getting my espresso order, even though all of that is on tap. my purpose today is to live my best life possible in my daily program of active recovery. i shared my milestone with the customers who know i am in recovery and my “world tour” will conclude on Wednesday night at the group where my recovery journey started. what does my best life possible look like today? well a little bit more of treating myself with kindness and courtesy, for sure. i know judgement, contempt and my seemingly hardwired opinion of who i am will not change merely because i wish it to do so. i can, however, allow myself the benefit of the doubt, at least once today, as i am not quite as powerless over that than i think i may be. yes, my inertia is hard to overcome and the outside force tat is acting on it is my current step work. momentum however, especially over decades, is hard to change. i am willing to apply the pressure to do so, just for today.
∞ DT ∞