Blog entry for:

to cope with the world i had created in active addiction are giving way to a way more **normal** set behaviors. not having read what i have written over the years about this topic, i am certainly going with what i felt, way back when, four or so hours ago, when i sat. i did have a long walk with a bunch of quiet time in that as well as my weekly chores which provided me even more time. so was hard as i may DESIRE to reach back several hours, i probably will get it all wrong and it will be more of where i am now.
i know that when i did sit, my seed was all about learning something new today, i have to remember to be more f*cking careful for what i wish for, as that has come to pass in spades.i have learned s few new things and none of them in line with what i wanted to learn. i have no power over what i am told, and i could have not paid attention to what was going on, and walked blithely into my day, oblivious to all around me, not that unlike the state i walked into the rooms in. it is what it is, and today it is just that now i know. once upon a midnight dreary i would never ponder weak or weary about what i do not know and what i have yet to learn. in fact, i once believed i had accumulated all the knowledge i needed to have. having done the two-slit experiment with light in High School Physics class, i knew that the act of observing changes the outcome. for an out of the way, little school district, it is amazing that our teacher took the time to walk us through that experiment and then took the time to explain what we saw, that it could be repeated successfully with matter as well and only Quantum Physics would be able to explain it. that was back in the seventies and the fact is, no one can adequately explain why the act of observing, changes the results. it just is one of those “things,” that simply just are.
ironically when i was discussing using dreams with a few of my “newer” peers, their's always ended up with them picking up a a surrender key tag, mine on the other hand always end up with me trying to figure out a way to keep it on the down-low and keep my clean time. after all, if it was not observed, than it can be anything i say it was or was not. i have “ science” to back me up and maybe that cat is dead after all, before the box gets opened that cat exists in both states, dead or alive, and in neither one of those states, it simply just is.
as i get ready to traipse off to a fellowship gathering, i can be certain that maybe a Black and Mild for the drive is not a good idea, as i felt the effects of two days of smoking in my car, yesterday as i ran and again this morning as i walked. nobody and everybody saw mw enjoying my little nicotine delivery system, but it was only me, who felt the effects, and who does not want to feel them again, just for today.

∞ DT ∞