Some memes

good afternoon one and all, here i sit in Arusha national park pounding out the blog to fill the days between, well you know. having been to the top of Africa and survived the experience, it is more than a bit ironic that i am sitting in a broken vehicle awaiting rescue, i see that i am my own worst enemy, thinking that i know what i do not, making more than a few rookie mistakes and lacking in self-respect. i do not like to bitch and moan, but the weather gods least gave us a nearly perfect day to climb to 5895 meters above mean sea level. my legs however barely survived the 4000 ft up and 9000 ft down and i will be paying that price for the next few days. as confident as i may have sounded before arriving in Tanzania, i can honestly say i had plenty of self-doubts and more than once considered quitting. i did not, partly out of pride partly out of self-will but mostly because i started to believe in myself as the days added up. that lack of respect i referred to above, melted away and as i started the climb to Uhuru peak, i knew that all of that was behind me. i may have been the last one home on that day and hitched a ride down the last mile, but i climbed to summit without assistance.
my spiritual program has certainly slipped by the wayside, lots of prayer, when i do not pray, no meditation, no daily readings, no meetings and not a whole lot of judgement-free zone. i could beat myself up about that, but to what ends? as i slid into patterns that were well-established decades ago, i knew what i was doing and even attempted to justify it away by saying i was just part of the crowd, when in fact i made a conscious choice. the silver lining of all of this is the evidence that, yes i am still an addict, yes i can be a royal shit to blend in and be part of the crowd and YES I NEED A PROGRAM of daily recovery.
as i start my twenty-three hour journey back to my home and hearth, i take with me an experience that is beyond compare. i have done something that few people my age will ever attempt and i am a better person because i CHOSE to go beyond the tried and true. reality sets in on Monday and already there is an addict clamoring to get something they believe they are entitled to, even though they told me NOT TO discuss the matter with my Mom, when she still had her wits. there will be more than a few sessions of listening for the next correct thing to do, in my future and a discussion with my siblings about the changing “agreement.” my stuff is to let go and allow the answer to come to me, instead of forcing a solution. i have a feeling that the addict in question may not like what may come. life is like that, i often do not “like” the consequences of sliding stuff under the carpet, in the long run, they are always manifest and often the worst time possible. just for today i am grateful that all of that is ttwo days away and i do not have to consider it until that time arrives.

∞ DT ∞