Blog entry for:

to live again.
when does reaching out become enabling?
so i am sure many of you are scratching your head wondering what that last question has to do with the topic at hand. i, too, was struck by the juxtaposition and dissonance of those two concepts, when i rose from my 11TH STEP this morning. as i write this, i am beginning to see what this is all about. part of learning how to live today, is learning how to do this differently, this life gig that is, not this recovery gig. across the course of my recovery, i had come to believe that i “had” the answers to the mysteries of why some of never use again, just for today, and others seem to drift in and and out on the whims of fate. i might have said that the longer i stayed clean, the less i knew, but that was just an empty phrase that i parroted to be like other of my peers, who had amassed some clean time. in reality, i believed i knew how to do this gig and If you wanted what i had, you better fvcking do what i did, and right now! i have at least three peers, that were once men who asked me to sponsor them, that are currently out and about. two of them i have reached out to, and one of them responds. the one that responds, says they are all about starting over again, but the lack of initiative and willingness on their part to re-enter the life of a recovering addict, is astounding to me. what came to me this morning, is something that has been noodling around the edge of my conscious mind for a few days now, namely i have done my part, it is up to them to start their own process and daily recovery program. ironically, their using world was so fragile that one little puff of wind destroyed the web of lies, deceit and tap-dancing, and yet they cling to fatal cool and terminal hipness. five days in a row, is enough, today i will will wait, and as i am not a patient type, i may end up with a bit of anger over something i absolutely have no power over.
perhaps, that is what the POWER that fuels my recovery is trying to tell me. celebrate my powerlessness, make the decisions that i can for myself and those who defer to me and let the rest go. easy for me to say, tough for me to implement. there is a part of me, that still believes the lie of knowing the correct way to do this gig and that the world SHOULD be beating a path to my door, to partake of of my pearls of wisdom. that part has certainly been active the past few days, and today, i see how unmanageable it is making my life. anger and resentment, and inviting the chaos that swirls around me, into my life, is not what i call living life in recovery to the best of my ability. as much as i want to obfuscate and deny it, i have boatloads of stuff to learn about how to live and more importantly how to live in recovery. i may be a heathen and proud to be one, but that does not mean i lack guidance from a POWER that fuels my recovery. i may have thousands of days in a row, of doing this gig just for today, but that does not mean i have learned everything i NEED to know. i may be successful in my career and have the trappings of a “normal”l; life, but that does not mean that i know how to live. i could go on, but redundancy to drive home a point grows wearisome for me as well as those who will read this. the point is well taken, just for today, i can thrive in this new life, accept the lessons that come my way and leave the chaos that swirls around me outside of me. i NEED not take on the notion that someone may or may not get this. i need not take on responsibility for others, as they flush their lives down the toilet. today i can learn how to be patient and allow myself the freedom to let go of an outcome or three, no matter how much i desire it.

∞ DT ∞