Blog entry for:

complaints against everyone and everything was how i lived my life, back in the day. nothing was ever good enough, came fast enough or was exactly what i wanted and i learned from a very early age, that the squeaky wheel gets greased. i lived life as a perpetual victim, born into the wrong family, at the wrong time and with the wrong prospects. i was miserable and i believed it was my duty to let everyone around me know how miserable i really was. i know now that i was living a life in revolt to the lie i told myself, that had become my “truth.” i never was too broken to be myself, but i was pissed off that i had to hide who i was behind the smoke and mirrors of various façades that were in vogue in that minute. over the past few years, learning to live a life out from under the shadow of that lie, has been interesting to say the least. what i am most pleased about is that i no longer have to pick and choose what face to show the world. i no longer fret about whether i am being “positive” or “negative” and i can hold my head up high as i walk through the interactions that fill my day. not that i do anything in this life perfectly, but i can aspire to do life in a “humanly” manner.
i have to admit, although i am no longer expressing dissatisfaction with EVERYTHING, i can still be unpleasant when stuff does not meet my expectations. in a sense, i am a victim of my expectations, which i have been told more than once, are simply premeditated resentments. part of living my life these days, is being true to myself and accepting that IF i want something, i need to take the steps to get it. if i want the respect of others, as i have often told some of my peers who have called me their sponsor, i need to show them respect. i have finally come to see that i get out of life, what i put into it. if i choose to live my life in a recliner with the TV blaring , playing games on my tablet, i will get a small, isolated life that is dependent on the reluctant kindness of others. if i want a full, spiritually connected and active life, i have to live a program of active recovery and do whatever i need to, to maintain a level of emotional, physical and mental fitness. none of that will drop into my life like manna from heaven, it is a direct result of the effort in put into living.
i came to recovery living an angry and unsatisfactory life that i deluded myself into believing that it was the best it could be. i lived by default so i could blame anything or anyone else for that which i found not to my liking. i have learned that relying on others and external things to make my life fit what i feel it ought to be, is a loser's game. today, i no longer accept that i have to allow things to go as they will and that i can exercise what little power i do have, to make my life better, without making the lives of those around me, any worse, just for today.

∞ DT ∞