โ by the time i found recovery, โ
Posted: Mon, Jan 27, 2014 07:38:20 AM
i had only the vaguest idea of how to live. well this could certainly be one of those i was so bad and now i am so much better postings, as the topic certainly lends itself to that direction. as i said, it could be.
instead, what i heard this morning as i sat down to listen for direction was the notion, that as i recovery, i am better at separating reality from the illusions i generate about how life should be. part of the reason i isolated was so i could use my drugs without sharing with anyone and use socially unacceptable delivery methods, which need not be enumerated here. beyond my overarching greed and selfishness, there were two factors that contributed to my isolation, the first being, hanging out with others got me hurt. people leave, they move, they become unavailable and to my addict mind, all of that equals pain from loss. if i did not hang with anyone, i could not get attached to them, and when the left me, i would not get hurt. in my version of reality, being alone, meant being safe.
which brings me to the meat of this post, MY VERSION OF REALITY!
being isolated meant that i did not have to deal with the conflicting information i was receiving between what the rest of the world was saying and how i saw the world. i was set-up for pure, immediate gratification and anything i did, was quickly justified and rationalized away. other people and the world in general got in the way of removing my responsibility, immorality and guilt. there was however, always relief just a swallow or something away. abstinence and recovery, started the dismantlement of that very complex and deeply engrained denial structure and early recovery left me raw and very unprepared for the reality of day-today life. as the cocoon of self-deception was stripped away and it was not replaced with pop psychology, affirmations in the mirror, or guru mysticism, i had to face a world that i barely recognized, even though i had lived in it for over forty years at that time.
learning how to live the program, as it is written, has not been an easy journey. as i woke up to what was really going on, and that awakening did not come for me until after i was six years clean, i see how much time and effort was wasted by me, to protect my so-called right to use. sleeping through my early recovery was just a continuation of that pattern, as the steps, and the members in the room, taught me call a spade a spade and not a club or a diamond.
as a slow learner, i believe today, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, allowed me the freedom to hit the spiritual snooze button, for the first years clean, so i can better appreciate where i am today. this morning, the reality is that there is some snow on the roads, i have a job, i am planning another vacation to Mexico and i am in a relationship with someone that i care for deeply. today, as i learn to be less socially retarded, i enjoy the company of others and i am present for what i am feeling more than 50% of the time. today, i feel when i am violating my principles and most of the time need not rationalize them away, as i have the vehicle to address the wrongs i do to myself and others in the form of STEP TEN. today, the straight and narrow, is the most comfortable way for me, and as i grow up in recovery, i am growing to like living in this manner.
the snow however has fallen and the consequences of snowfall is a slow and slippery commute to work, so i will end this little exercise by saying i am grateful today, that i no longer need to live like an island, or a rock, i can live life in the real world, reveling in the connections i am learning to create.
instead, what i heard this morning as i sat down to listen for direction was the notion, that as i recovery, i am better at separating reality from the illusions i generate about how life should be. part of the reason i isolated was so i could use my drugs without sharing with anyone and use socially unacceptable delivery methods, which need not be enumerated here. beyond my overarching greed and selfishness, there were two factors that contributed to my isolation, the first being, hanging out with others got me hurt. people leave, they move, they become unavailable and to my addict mind, all of that equals pain from loss. if i did not hang with anyone, i could not get attached to them, and when the left me, i would not get hurt. in my version of reality, being alone, meant being safe.
which brings me to the meat of this post, MY VERSION OF REALITY!
being isolated meant that i did not have to deal with the conflicting information i was receiving between what the rest of the world was saying and how i saw the world. i was set-up for pure, immediate gratification and anything i did, was quickly justified and rationalized away. other people and the world in general got in the way of removing my responsibility, immorality and guilt. there was however, always relief just a swallow or something away. abstinence and recovery, started the dismantlement of that very complex and deeply engrained denial structure and early recovery left me raw and very unprepared for the reality of day-today life. as the cocoon of self-deception was stripped away and it was not replaced with pop psychology, affirmations in the mirror, or guru mysticism, i had to face a world that i barely recognized, even though i had lived in it for over forty years at that time.
learning how to live the program, as it is written, has not been an easy journey. as i woke up to what was really going on, and that awakening did not come for me until after i was six years clean, i see how much time and effort was wasted by me, to protect my so-called right to use. sleeping through my early recovery was just a continuation of that pattern, as the steps, and the members in the room, taught me call a spade a spade and not a club or a diamond.
as a slow learner, i believe today, that the POWER that fuels my recovery, allowed me the freedom to hit the spiritual snooze button, for the first years clean, so i can better appreciate where i am today. this morning, the reality is that there is some snow on the roads, i have a job, i am planning another vacation to Mexico and i am in a relationship with someone that i care for deeply. today, as i learn to be less socially retarded, i enjoy the company of others and i am present for what i am feeling more than 50% of the time. today, i feel when i am violating my principles and most of the time need not rationalize them away, as i have the vehicle to address the wrongs i do to myself and others in the form of STEP TEN. today, the straight and narrow, is the most comfortable way for me, and as i grow up in recovery, i am growing to like living in this manner.
the snow however has fallen and the consequences of snowfall is a slow and slippery commute to work, so i will end this little exercise by saying i am grateful today, that i no longer need to live like an island, or a rock, i can live life in the real world, reveling in the connections i am learning to create.
∞ DT ∞