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by the time recovery found me, however, i had only the vaguest idea of how to live. although i was taught, the real problem, at least for me, was i did not care. one by one, the notions of right and wrong, dropped from my repertoire and whatever lessons i had learned about how to this life gig, in all of its glory, became unnecessary as i had to learn to survive in a whole different manner. yes, getting and finding the ways and means to get high every day replaced the tough part of doing life on life's terms. as my addiction took over, the human part of me slowly disappeared, and in the end i was very ill-equipped to be a member of the human race. that sounds a bit extreme, and perhaps it it is a bit of hyperbole, sometimes a bit of exaggeration is needed for the addict to see where he was and where he may be going.
i really get tired of blaming the part of me i call addiction for all of the ills in my life. this whole argument that i was someone different when using, strikes me from time to time, as a defense mechanism to protect myself from the harsh reality of who i am. the ONLY thing separating me from the version of me, that walked into the rooms, is the program of recovery. that person can and still does surface from time to time and the only defense i have against that event happening in real-time and forever is the process of recovery. i still get angry enough to want to go out and flatten someone's tires or mess up their lives through back-stabbing and gossip. i still get confused enough by the events of daily living, to want to withdraw into my cave and never come out. and i still have the FEAR of being hurt, if i allow anyone else into my life and allow them to see who i really am. none of that has been magically removed and i am sad to report, the chances are, none of that ever will. what steps six and seven do for me, is to show me that i have a choice today. i can choose to revert back into the behaviors that characterized me in end-stage addiction, or i can CHOOSE to live in the manner that i have been accustomed to living in, these days. my notion of the divine and of the POWER that fuels my recovery, does not preclude free choice. in fact, in that framework, it is all about having the ability to choose, something that was lacking when i finally walked into the rooms and decided after being around for 13 months, that maybe this gig was worth more than just not using no matter what. that was the very first choice i was given, the ability to CHOOSE whether today i would be clean or i would find the ways and means to use and get away with it. after all, getting away with something was always tied strongly to my desire to use.
today, i have very few of the answers, in fact that tired old cliché the longer i stay clean the less i know, rings so true for this addict that it has almost become my mantra. if i CHOOSE to evolve today, i can only do so through the framework provided to me from those who were here when i got here. where that may come from today, is beyond my ability to predict, but i can be certain that if i am awake through the class on living i am part of today, i will hear exactly what i need to hear to continue my transformation into the man i have always wanted to be.
so off to the showers and into the day such as it is. what plans do i have? clean-off my desk, put in my billable hours and do my best to be the man the POWER that fuels my recovery has planned for me to be.

∞ DT ∞