Blog entry for:

against everyone and everything, nothing and no one was ever good enough for me.
so my cynicism had its root in active addiction, well actually long before i picked up for the first time, but it certainly was finely honed and polished across the decades of using. today, i have come to accept that yes, i am a cynic, BUT not everything needs to be viewed through that dark lens. as i grow in recovery, i am learning that while i still relish seeing the mighty fall, i do not get as much satisfaction from it, as i once did. ironically, it seems the most social of my peers, are the ones that have the greatest difficulty establishing and maintaining long term relationships. for me, any relationship i CHOOSE to form, has the opportunity to be a long-term one, and i seem to work hard at having a few, very deep relationships, rather than many shallow ones. when i was using, that sort of activity, forming anything but the most superficial relationship, was not an activity i took part in. there is one exception to that rule of thumb, i do have an ex-wife. i have made my amends for my part in that relationship, which bordered on abusive, was definitely co-dependent and without a doubt on of the most toxic relationships i was ever a party to. so when i see the failed relationships of my peers, i often think back to the final days of that one.
honestly, there was nothing i could have done any different, as i was incapable of being wrong in those days. i still had a minimal ability to care, in fact i did cry when she kicked me out, but i made sure i got my pound of flesh when it came time to split our stuff. i did get blamed for the cat that her sister threw away, because i once mentioned how i would have got rid of it, but at least today, i know that sin is not on my conscience.
so for a socially retarded individual, the fact that i can be a friend, a partner, a lover and a spouse is an incredible feat. learning how to do relationships, how to care and how to be more than the sh!t i was, when i walked into the rooms, is what it is all about today. it is true, not everything in the world or my life is exactly to my liking. honestly, i have come to see that will always be the case. today i need not settle for the first thing that comes down the road either. one of the gifts of being among the socially awkward, is that every single interaction i participate in, takes effort and concentration on my part. i may be able to explain the Schrödinger's cat joke, but some days i lack the ability to predict what someone else will do when i say something off-color or derisive. each day, as i walk forward in this path of recovery that seemed to have chosen me, i GET to learn the quantum physics of relationships, which in my mind is harder to explain than Heisenberg's uncertainty principle.
anyhow, speaking of the real world, and the here and now, the time is fast approaching to be headed down to work. i certainly will do my best to be an attractive part of life today, instead of a detractive one.

∞ DT ∞