Blog entry for:

limited by my old ideas, or better put, the ideas and belief structure i saddled myself with, when i finally decided that i had the desire to get clean and live a program of recovery. in my old manner of thinking of myself, i would have looked at my massive fail at my tech interview yesterday as something to be ashamed of and a technology that i would need to avoid. this morning, as i sat, what came to me, was that i knew the answer, i had written that code in the past, and i needed to create a recipe card for myself to get it “under my fingers” so i could demonstrate a proficiency in something with which i am learning. after freezing like a deer in headlights and totally blanking on what they wanted me to do, i know today, where i need to put my time and attention, as this will not be the last time i am asked to demonstrate some of my new found skills. just as once upon a time, i thought i was doomed to wear a thirty-six inch waist and carry two hundred and twenty-two pounds, i know that if i concentrate and yes “nerd harder” i will be able to demonstrate these skills at will, as well.
moving into something different, i am trying to get this exercise complete so i can get out before the snow starts to fly. i see that as a strong possibility, but time will tell. as weird as it seems, i slept very well last night, although i did go over the how and why of my less than stellar performance yesterday. that lasted about five minutes and <BOOM> down i went, into my most restful sleep this week. even my watch agreed with my assessment of the amount of rest i got, which it generally does not. what i feel today is the NEED to be okay with what happened and take the steps necessary to make sure it does not happen again. it is time for me to get out of my box and accept that i may have the answers,m but i lack the ability to express them. the disconnect between what i know and what i can show is no different that those early days in my recovery when i “knew” that i would have to change my life, if i wanted a chance to live and my reluctance to do so.
on that happy and determined note, it is time to see how far i can get, before the snow strikes me down. it is a good day to be clean and accept that i have much to learn, IF i am going to continue living this way of life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞