Some memes

to survive, and i gain it with the help of other recovering addicts, a program, and the POWER that fuels my recovery. time and again i come back to this topic and each and every time i do, i wonder how the hell i ever got clean, as i was so deep in denial about being powerless, that i actually believed i was too “well” and too smart for this recovery gig. even that night in New Jersey, when i did not use, despite having bought the sack of one of my favorite fixes, i may have felt desperate, but i white-knuckled my way through and thought that proved i had power over addiction. i later came to see, that i was using the POWER that fuels my recovery, long before i had any idea what IT might be or that IT was already active in my life.
this morning, as i look back and ponder the changes wrought by my journey through recovery, i am more than grateful that the wall between “what is” and my desperate fantasies, finally got destroyed. i know that i am powerless over addiction, no matter how i choose to manifest it in my life. i know that i NEED the power i get from my peers in recovery as well as my strict, some may say obsessive, adherence to a daily program of active recovery. i may not understand or be able to define that POWER, but i can use it nevertheless. when i was ready to take a brief dive back into the using pool last year, it was that POWER that gave me the power, to stay clean just for those days, in five minute intervals. as i consider how the desire to use was on me and strongly influencing my decision making process, i am amazed that i did not choose to smoke a cigarette, watch porn or eat a pint of ice cream, to attempt to satiate that desire, after i decided to stay clean. those feelings, like all of them, passed and i came out the other side a bit stronger and realized that i did not have to do that part ever again, by myself. looking good was more important than asking for help and for that i see myself as less than clever or intelligent, at least in that instance.
today, i am torn between running in the gym and running through the 'hood, as the temperature outside is on the cusp of being comfortable. not running, is not an option i am choosing this morning. where to do it, is my only decision to make. unlike choosing how to access the power i need to stay clean and be more than merely abstinent, this decision carries very little weight in the huge scheme of things that is my life. that being said, it is time to go face this day, remembering that even though i am powerless, i have access to the power that will keep me clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞