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sharing as a full contact competitive sport, why not? i can see it now, all over ESPN and the billions of dollars the networks would pump into it. finally recovering addicts would get their due, and all the $$'s they are entitled to! i can see it replacing football, and drag many wannabe addicts into the rooms, so that they too, can grab a piece of this pie.
WHERE DO I SIGN-UP!??!
alright, enough of the silliness, here. i know that was a bit of hyperbole and absurd as it sounds, there are times in my own recovery where i am engaged in that exact behavior. pondering, how to top everyone with my brilliant and oh so pithy words of wisdom. i have no idea if my competitive spirit comes from being human, and has been warped out of perspective by addiction, or if i just got an extra dose by nature. it really is irrelevant in the short and the long run. what is relevant this morning, id the feelings i get when i start to engage in competitive sharing, or more importantly in the milliseconds just before i get the notion to do so. there are days i long to be way back when i had never worked steps 4 through 9, as way back then i could engage in this behavior, without having to look at what was really going on, after all in this case ignorance was BLISS. those days, however warmly i recall them, are long gone, and honestly, as much as i think i would like to go back to being in a state of ignorance, and behaving exactly how i want to, without all the attendant feelings being identified, i know i am better person living in the here and now. i can always play the game and say i accept that i feel such and such, and i do not care, i am going to act this way anyway. that is always an option. OR i can live a program of active recovery and delve a bit deeper before i open my mouth and ponder if i am about to share something that is really going on inside of me, or am i sharing just to hear the sound of my own voice, or for me even worse, am i sharing to alter the opinion of others about who and what i am? that is of course one of my favorite places, doing my best to look better than i am feeling and doing, and days of recovery has given me the ability to say all the right things, to foster appearances, which like many of my sponsees is one of the most important aspects of the part of me i call addiction.
“I ALWAYS NEED TO LOOK BETTER THAN I AM FEELING!”
well speaking of looking better, the time has come for a light and quick workout. i really want to get over to boulder for a meeting this morning, and in order to do so, i need to get moving forward through my task list. today, i can be aware that i DO have something to share, i CAN be honest about what it is, and in the long run being genuine will pay greater dividends than looking good. i will be able to live more comfortably and that is the salient fact in this discussion.

∞ DT ∞