Blog entry for:

these days it is not so deep inside, as the process of recovery has removed the layers of denial, that once kept me apart from the truth about who i thought i was.
okay let me totally honest, i have stated in the past that when i came to recovery, i acted like i had all the self-esteem and self-respect in the world, that is fact. early recovery revealed me to have no clothes in this respect and within the first six months i certainly saw myself as a piece of foul, stinky, excrement from the nastiest of all butt-holes. form one extreme to another, as the case may be. over the days clean and through the cleansing and healing process of the steps, i see both of those worldviews as the lie they are, and i have come to understand that those lies are part of the ongoing story the part of me i call addiction uses to keep me as sick as possible.
now at least once a year, i have to look at this issue, the self-esteem gig, at least for twenty-four hours, as this specific reading comes up. here i sit in my annual cycle and this morning i am grateful for a bit of clarity on this, as i got a call from a friend who is returning from relapse. listening to his stuff, as painful as it is for him, i can hear similar arguments going around in my head. am i really worth having people who care for me in life? am i really worth the pain it takes to grow? am i worth surrendering my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, or would the world be a better place if i just disappeared into a haze of chemical isolation? if it sounds dark and dire it certainly is, as this is a place that i am quite familiar with, or at least i was. i understand his pain and confusion, as it has been my own. today however, that is not where i dwell nor is a comfortable place to be, and it all comes back down to the question of self-respect, self-worth and self-esteem.
today, right here and right now, regardless of how bad this day started ff, and trust me it was not a good start, i am okay being who i am. i am an addict in recovery. i am worth living and as a result, that notion leads to the notion that i am worth doing the work i need to foster that recovery. as i do the work i become more confident in being who i am and the feedback cycle goes on. the question then becomes, if i am worth all of that than why do i balk when it comes time to surrender that package into the care of a the POWER that fuels my recovery? that is the crux of my problem now, and what i am feeling today seems to be leading me into making that decision and actually implementing it. after all I AM WORTH IT TODAY!

∞ DT ∞