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most importantly, i myself respect.
self-esteem, such an elusive quality and attribute to attain. sure i can stare inn the mirror every day and recite affirmations about being “good enough.” i can cover my skin with tattoos , buy new things and attach myself to the arm of another person. i can flit from person to person, like some sort of bumblebee gathering nectar, doing my best to put my best face forward. i can lie about what i have done in the past, or minimize the consequences of what i am doing now, but in the long run, it has been my experience that none of them do the job of building self-esteem, no matter how loudly i protest. the fact is, until i worked some steps, and i mean actually worked them, not just telling my sponse what i thought he wanted to hear, i lived in a world where i was never good enough, and could never be good enough, for anything.
so as elusive as it may seem to be, if none of those smoke and mirror parlor tricks work, how does one build self-esteem? for this addict, that has always been a “tricky” proposition, but it started by behaving the way i saw those peers whom i respected behave. sure they made a mistakes, and when they did, they owned them, not sweeping them under the carpet with the “i am only human and an addict to boot,” excuse. most of all they did what they said they were going to do. i they said they were going to be somewhere, they were there. if they said they were going to pay someone back, they made the payment. if they needed something from me, they would ask me, and remind as time approached. most importantly they treated themselves with a courtesy and kindness that extended to others.
those addicts who's behavior i modeled, as i stayed clean worked some steps, were far from perfect human beings. what i took from them was that IF i wanted to have friends,m i had to be an ACTUAL friend. if i wanted to be respected, i had to BE respectful. i was not then, and am not now entitled to anything, save the chance for recovery. nothing else is guaranteed and the harder i chase after that next external thing to make myself appear better in my own eyes, the less i end up actually respecting myself, and the more i end up chasing that very next thing. self-esteem, at least for me, seems to be one of those things that just come to me, without me chasing after it. the harder i try and build my self-esteem, the less of it i have, hence all of those external activities, become more and more important. what i am lacking in myself, NEEDS to be filled with something, since i cannot seem to build it myself it MUST be more of the other, is what it will take. this carousal never slows down or stops, and in the end, i end up nowhere different, after all what i was seeking is out the world i am spinning for myself. theta brass ring as it were, remains forever out of my reach. so what am i to do, woe is me, what a fVcking victim i have become!
this is true victimization i am both the victim and the perpetrator in this instance and until i STOP thinking and behaving, as i have, i am doomed to stay on this nightmarish ride. for me, what has worked is instead of “practicing” spiritual principles, i try and live them. i am reliable, respectful, circumspect, honest, open, willing and friendly to the best of my ability and when i fall short, i say just that and leave the spin behind. i need not cover my tracks of less than stellar behavior under the guise of excuses of who and what i am, that really goes without saying. today i just am and just being is what gives me the feeling that i am more than good enough and worthy of everyone who is in my life. i have self-esteem, because i behave in a way that builds my self-esteem. when i resist the urge to shuffle off, obfuscate or bury myself under a pile of bullsh!t lies, i build my self-esteem and i am fairly confident that i shows up to others as well. the nice part is, even if they cannot detect that i DO esteem myself, it no longer matters to me, because i am on my way to becoming genuine, whole and self-assured and it is all the fault of my peers, after all, those are the people who truly hold me accountable.

∞ DT ∞