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inadequacy and inferiority plagued me, even before i took that very first dose. sometime is seems that lack of self-esteem has been with me from the moment i popped out into the world, as crazy as that sounds. i can remember being willing to settle for second place throughout my life, even volunteering for it more than once, somewhere, somehow, i got the notion that settling was better than competing and that attitude dogged me forever. the lies i told myself were, that made me easy-going and some sort of evolved human being, even though each and every time i settled, i felt a little bit more “less than.” at least before recovery, i had something more to sustain my fantasy, my desire to get high and let those feelings drift away into the clouds of smoke i often exhaled.
getting clean, stripped me of that option, and using all sorts of other behaviors to validate myself in my own eyes and the eyes of those who were in my life, took over. i am just now getting to a place where i am cleaning up those years of misspent energy and resources and starting to finally forgive myself for trying to bury my lack of self-worth in material things, service work, arrogance and aloofness. i can see quite plainly that i ALWAYS wanted to be more, but NEVER believed i could be. the lie i fostered for so many years was that my inherent flaws made it impossible for me to excel at anything and claim a “top spot.”
my second set of steps was supposed to be all about relationships. when i suggested that to my sponse he smiled and agreed. well it was all about relationships, my relationship with myself. i was pissed when i realized that what i wanted to work on ➳ romantic relationships was hijacked by what i NEEDED to work on ➳ my relationship with myself. that shift from what i wanted to what i needed has been the theme throughout my recovery, once i finally took STEP 0 and admitted that i just may need a bit of help. more than once,m what i thought i was working on, got hijacked by what i needed to work on, and coming out of this last step cycle, i see that progression through my various step cycles. i am starting, well that is a lie, i am enhancing my ability to be okay with who i am, and realize that even though i may not be the “best” at something, there is no reason to hold myself back from trying. i AM worth being number one, even if i never achieve it, giving up before making the effort is no longer an option i choose to exercise and i am grateful i have garnered enough self-esteem to make that choice, just for today.

∞ DT ∞