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were where all my problems began, after all, i grew up lying about my experience to look better in the eyes of my peers. where was i taught or cultured into believing that i was not good enough? i really have no idea. what i do know, is that i grew up when childhood was one set of competitions after another, some i won, some i lost and many i came in second or third place. today, to keep from damaging self-esteem, i see many events have no winners or rankings, and every participant gets a trophy, and i am fairly certain that in that world, my critically low self-esteem would have been even worse. when one looks at it, to be protected from losing, one could be left with a sense that they are too weak to handle the reality of everyday life.
what i am getting at, is that it was not being in second or third p;lace that taught me i was not worth as much as everyone else, it was the whole being and feeling “different and weird,” that did the trick. for as long as i can remember i was different than my peers, and the effort of trying to be like them just grew too burdensome to handle and eventually, once i found a chemical coping mechanism, i no longer needed to even try.
needless to say, i was quite a damaged piece of merchandise when i finally was sentenced to the rooms of recovery, and even after a speedy set of steps in the wrong fellowship, i was not much better. the second set of 12 steps and the guidance of a sponsor, who disappeared from my life, taught me how to esteem and honor myself, and not place myself on the sliding scale of human worth. that sponsor, taught me that nothing could keep me down, unless i allowed it, and that sometimes, it is better to hide somewhere else, until one is ready to face the reality of the situation. my reality? well if my friend and once upon a time sponsee is an indication of where i could and how fast i could get there, it certainly sends a chill down my spine. just as his dabbling in the legal substances led to much much more, so i know it would be the case for me, and any sense of worth and esteem that i have now, would certainly be gone in a flash.
today, perhaps for the first time in my life, i feel human and i do not need or even want someone else to validate my worth as a human being. the people in my life, are in my life, because they choose to be and not because i have a big bag of dope. ironically, sometimes my actions are still misinterpreted by those that i tried to protect, and that too is part of life. i can honestly say that nothing i did in the past week, was intended to diminish the stature of anyone else and i began to see where this is going. instead of one more 10th step question is see two:

1. was i kind and considerate to myself today?
2. did i do something to diminish the worth of someone else today

with that said, i think i need to head off to my morning ablution and get rolling down the road towards the place that pays my bills! yes i have value today and today is a great day to allow that value to shine.

∞ DT ∞