Blog entry for:

well it seems that running late is an annual thing on this date, as i skimmed over what i wrote a year ago. for me the voice of the part of me i call addiction, has never screamed out those words with that clarity of message. no that voice tells me that i am not worth being “number one” and that i might as well settle for being mediocre. the effort to achieve being the best and just okay is not worth it, as the law of diminishing returns kicks in.
noun: law of diminishing returns:
used to refer to a point at which the level of profits or benefits gained is less than the amount of money or energy invested.
as well as i may wish to appear to my peers, my friends, my loved ones and the world t large, this is still a theme that runs through me like 10,000 volts. i know that i may never be the “greatest” at anything, but why no give something, anything, my best effort. the one task in my life, i do attempt to put my full effort into, is living a program of active recovery. does that make me the BEST recovering addict or make me capable of carrying the strongest message? not by a long shot, but it does allow me to live my life with a bit of grace, a touch of acceptance, and much more than a modicum of empathy and compassion.
the origin of this attitude and its set of attendant behaviors eludes me to this day. furthermore, i see seeking that “egg” as a lesson in futility, as it will not help me live better today. i know many of my peers, seek causes and conditions, as i did once myself. for me, it is not “what happened” that is important, but more of “now that i recognize this as toxic, what am i going to do?” what i would say to one of the men i sponsor, if they approached me with this question is that there is a step for this and i am not on it, YET! just for today, i do believe i will head on down to the office, pause and reflect on what i need to do, to celebrate the grace and acceptance i do have of who and what i am, and live in this day to the fullest of my ability. it is a great day to value myself a bit more than i did yesterday.

∞ DT ∞