Blog entry for:

for common ground, during service meetings, in meetings and yes in everyday life, is a topic well worth taking a peek at this morning. i know the source material was laser-focused on service meetings and that certainly is well and good. for me, however, learning to listen for what i have in common, rather than deciding on some sort of “whim” that there can never be any common ground in all those situations is what bubbled up from the depths this morning. i have a tendency to “know” what i think i know and assume that what i “know,” is true and correct. some of the time that is actually the case, most of the time, well, let me just say that there is certainly room for more than a bit of growth in that department. as i sat and the examples of where i could have done “better” started to overwhelm me, i let go and just allowed those thoughts to rise through me and pop with a sonic boom as they departed for more friendly climes, as i am not in the bidness of shaming myself anymore, especially over stuff that happened in the past, over which i have no control of, in the here and now.
it is more than a little ironic, that even after a minute clean, i have to remind myself that i cannot change what i have done and once i own my “wrongs” and make the necessary reparations, i can let them go and no longer use them as some sort of evidence about how “sick” i may still be. when i feel shame over what i did, i have to ask myself, what is it in the here and now that is setting off this chain reaction. is it FEAR of not being seen for who i am today and not getting the recognition i feel i just may deserve. what i keep coming back to, is the lie that colored my world for all those decades and when i feel shame, it is the shame i felt over the event that i allowed to influence my life for far too long. i must still be that frightened and confused little boy, who cannot understand why someone could be so cruel to him, so it must of been him that needed to be someone else. and so it goes…
i do have a few things to accomplish before i go hang at the cigar store this afternoon, so i think i will own a few things before i post this and walk away. the first is that cold i had in Dublin, was most certainly COVID and i did not take any precautions to prevent it from being spread around. i lived in three days of denial and although in the long run, there were no grave consequences, i was less than responsible for doing my part to protect those around me. the second is that i am certain today that what i think i know is more than likely only part of the story and it is my job to allow the entire story unfold. finally, front-loading my workout on Sunday mornings, does through me into a weird sort of space that i just have to accept and move through, just for today.

∞ DT ∞