โ somewhere along the way, i developed strong feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. โ
Posted: Wed, Jul 16, 2008 10:22:58 AM
deep inside was a voice that continually cried out, **you are worthless!** okay, it has been quite the morning. every time i start to do something i get interrupted by something else that demands my attention, so i am now going to ignore the rest of the demands in my life and take care of this, after all, i am worth taking the time to write down my feelings and thoughts this morning.
this reading resounds with quite a dissonant chord when i when it in the annual cycle. it was an issue that my counselor had me look at way back when i was in treatment, and it is a theme i hear often with the men i sponsor. the ironic part of it, is that i denied that i had any feeling of worthlessness, for the longest time,. even today, this is one of those feelings that i attempt to swallow or divert myself from when it pops up in daily living. the steps have helped, and when i decide to face the issue instead of ignoring or denying the issue i have tools available that allow me to silence that voice. what tools? well i have the ability to take a spot inventory of who and what i am, which allows me to honestly see myself as i am, instead of how the part of me i call my disease wants me to see myself. that inventory allows me to construct a chain of evidence that shows how i have changed since i walked into the program, and that chain of evidence validates my worth as a person, as an addict, and as someone who not only is worth the action i need to take on a daily basis to stay in recovery, but as someone who deserves to recover. i am no longer a victim of my active addiction, and that little piece of information allows me to be more than someone going through the motions. i do not have to fake it any longer, nor would i care to. i am becoming a whole person, who just happens to be an addict in recovery. the sum of my parts are greater than i ever imagined. so anyhow, distractions aside it is time to get stuff accomplished, as i am not being paid for waxing philosophically. off to the trenches i go.
this reading resounds with quite a dissonant chord when i when it in the annual cycle. it was an issue that my counselor had me look at way back when i was in treatment, and it is a theme i hear often with the men i sponsor. the ironic part of it, is that i denied that i had any feeling of worthlessness, for the longest time,. even today, this is one of those feelings that i attempt to swallow or divert myself from when it pops up in daily living. the steps have helped, and when i decide to face the issue instead of ignoring or denying the issue i have tools available that allow me to silence that voice. what tools? well i have the ability to take a spot inventory of who and what i am, which allows me to honestly see myself as i am, instead of how the part of me i call my disease wants me to see myself. that inventory allows me to construct a chain of evidence that shows how i have changed since i walked into the program, and that chain of evidence validates my worth as a person, as an addict, and as someone who not only is worth the action i need to take on a daily basis to stay in recovery, but as someone who deserves to recover. i am no longer a victim of my active addiction, and that little piece of information allows me to be more than someone going through the motions. i do not have to fake it any longer, nor would i care to. i am becoming a whole person, who just happens to be an addict in recovery. the sum of my parts are greater than i ever imagined. so anyhow, distractions aside it is time to get stuff accomplished, as i am not being paid for waxing philosophically. off to the trenches i go.
∞ DT ∞