Blog entry for:

whom others and, most importantly, i myself respect.
now it comes down to this: the past month has been one lesson after another about what i have power over and what i do not. in the end, it all comes down to, am i a person who believes he has worth? and if so, what is that worth? i fully believe that the POWER that fuels my recovery provides all my answers, it is me who is too obtuse to get them. the friendship that is ending, or at least is in abeyance right now? it took me a month before i believed that i was worthy of setting and enforcing a boundary, and even then i did not feel good about it. seriously, inserting someone else into another person's life because i am too cheap or too whatever to talk to them myself, is not what a self-confident and self-assured person does. manipulation by shame and guilt, is not what a healthy person does. most importantly stating over and over again what i have done in the past that indicates i have value, but ignoring my present circumstances, is not a sign of self-esteem. no, to me, they are symptoms of chronic low self-esteem and lack of any self-respect. by seeing those behaviors from this side of the fence, i can see how far i have come since the day i crawled into recovery and finally admitted that i was not so fVcking different after all.
what will happen with my friend and sponsee? who knows, he is certainly not going anywhere until after January 2014 and maybe not until next summer. what will happen to me? well, today, i am going to finish writing this, head on over to work, do the best i can do for what they pay me to do, have a gar with a friend or two, hit a meeting and hopefully go through my TENTH STEP, discovering how many ways i treated myself with self-respect and how that treatment of myself was reflected in my interactions with the other members of the human race that happen to cross my path today. yes, when i have some self-respect and self-esteem, i tend to treat others with a similar amount of esteem and respect. ironic, how that particular mirror reflects my inside feeling to the outside world. it also is telling as to my spiritual condition, and that is certainly i was taught never to do:“never let them see what i am feeling, because they will grind me to dust.”
well, this morning, i can walk with my head high and my chest out, metaphorically of course, because today, i have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed about and certainly nothing to beat myself up with. the day however is early, so as a reminder i will remember that even though i only was speeding 1 out of the last 100 miles, i was still a speeder. it is what i do today that counts, not what i did yesterday, although what i did yesterday contributed to what i CAN do today, and may be able to do tomorrow. i can take some pride in my accomplishments and be grateful that i have been given the opportunity to become the man i am. and yes, as Stuart Smalley once said, “You know what? I think this is the best life I've ever done. And you know what? I deserve it! Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me ”
it is off to the showers and into work, because i really am worth it!

∞ DT ∞