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with the help of other members who share the same feelings, and by working the Twelve Steps, i blossom into an individual that others and, most importantly, i myself respect.
the irony of this reading is that just yesterday, i was talking to another member about false humility. he had shared that he was unworthy of the grace and mercy he had received since starting recovery, and it struck a chord in me. this is as issue that is foremost in my mind , most of the time. i know where i learned that i was less than is unimportant, but i still here those whispers from the part of me i call my disease. for me, it is important not only to acknowledge what i have been given and the source of those gifts, but also to see that those gifts are a direct result of being worth recovery. there are days when i wonder if this is all a sham, some sort of cruel joke, where all of a sudden, the rug will be pulled out from under me, and i will see that i have not really changed at all. in fact, as i work through my current sixth step assignment, i am coming to realize that for the greatest part , most of my character defects flow from these feelings of not being worth what others are.
i now am coming to understand what is preventing me from moving on through my current assignment, and that is the old bugaboo of denial. of course denial is a reaction to fear, and what is it that i am afraid of? well for one, if i truly and thoroughly work through this assignment, i may find that yes i am worthy of recovery, and give myself even more evidence that this process works. with that evidence added to my recovery arsenal, the part of me i call my disease will have to learn a new tack to counter my increased self-esteem, and that part of me is lazy. so i choose to allow it to do its very worst, until i get fed-up with the whispers and move on.
well today, i am worth seeing myself as i truly am, defects, assets and the whole enchilada such as it is today. i can never silence the addict part of me, but i can make it quiet for a short bit of time and get a bit of serenity. and today i am without a doubrt worth that!

∞ DT ∞